Harry Potter Fan Mistaken for GWAR Fan - Angers Mallgoers

  Whilst strolling the Sandre LaCruz Mall, aloof(?) Harry Potter fan Kenneth Vaughn angered fellow shoppers during Black Friday. Unbeknownst(?) to him, his 'Hogwarts' sweater resembled the letters '|GWAR|' under his fleece overshirt.

   His choice of dated young adult fiction outer-wear was misinterpreted(?) as a clever, maliciously aligned diss against the death of GWAR frontman, Dave Brockie, who passed away earlier this year, as well as a diss to any fans of GWAR and its good standing. But is there more to this story?

   It all started, according to Hot Topic employee Amy Yung, when she rang up Vaughn's Adventure Time beanie at 50% off. "GWAR, fuck yeah, man!" she purred as she went in for a sweet high-five. But the high-five wasn't reciprocated in a way that was acceptable like applying your hand to the other hand with equal vigor. Instead, his response was a "nasally and fucking gross" dribble as he opened his overshirt for revelation, "actually it says Hogwarts" much to Yung and everyone else's disdain and utter shock.

  On the mall's security-camera, Vaughn was spotted getting a pretzel, then an Orange Julius (and not even finishing it) and then shopping only at Hot Topic for a beanie. Other outlets have studied the footage and we're all in agreement that this is a shady situation on what was a seemingly dulcet Black Friday.

An artist's rendering of how he was able to cleverly conceal the letters

  "It was like a flasher forcing us to look at his dick. [...] Actually, it was just like that--NO, it was worse, much worse. Either way he's a pervert." said Gregg Henderson, one of a cadre of shoppers halted by the happening in Hot Topic.

  "Hateful," "Mean," "He's a shameful boy" his Father told us after the incident. His Father is celebrated Marine Sgt. Kurt 'FistBeast' Vaughn. "I didn't raise my boy to be a menace, he used to be a sweetheart. I don't know what happened."

  "Only Muggles hate GWAR" was shouted in unison by an angry mob, according to Vaughn when we interviewed him at the Urgent Care Center on Draxton Parkway.

  "I thought the brooms were a dead giveaway and I assumed people would connect the dots. It's not like I got dressed and noticed it in the mirror and went with it. [...] I had to Google who GWAR was in the first place," the latter of which he squeaked with a smug chess-player-ugly laugh. And that tells us all we need to know about him. There is no way that wasn't intentional.

  The fact that he says the suspiciously specific phrasing "It's not like I got dressed and noticed it in the mirror and went with it" is, as he would say, a dead giveaway. That's our broom, sweeping up that brat's lie.

  This journalist had some sharp wisdom for the plucky pimple:

  Assuming makes an ASS out of  U and ME. Put that on a shirt, Voldemort.