Harry Potter Fan Mistaken for GWAR Fan - Angers Mallgoers

  Whilst strolling the Sandre LaCruz Mall, aloof(?) Harry Potter fan Kenneth Vaughn angered fellow shoppers during Black Friday. Unbeknownst(?) to him, his 'Hogwarts' sweater resembled the letters '|GWAR|' under his fleece overshirt.

   His choice of dated young adult fiction outer-wear was misinterpreted(?) as a clever, maliciously aligned diss against the death of GWAR frontman, Dave Brockie, who passed away earlier this year, as well as a diss to any fans of GWAR and its good standing. But is there more to this story?

   It all started, according to Hot Topic employee Amy Yung, when she rang up Vaughn's Adventure Time beanie at 50% off. "GWAR, fuck yeah, man!" she purred as she went in for a sweet high-five. But the high-five wasn't reciprocated in a way that was acceptable like applying your hand to the other hand with equal vigor. Instead, his response was a "nasally and fucking gross" dribble as he opened his overshirt for revelation, "actually it says Hogwarts" much to Yung and everyone else's disdain and utter shock.

  On the mall's security-camera, Vaughn was spotted getting a pretzel, then an Orange Julius (and not even finishing it) and then shopping only at Hot Topic for a beanie. Other outlets have studied the footage and we're all in agreement that this is a shady situation on what was a seemingly dulcet Black Friday.

An artist's rendering of how he was able to cleverly conceal the letters

  "It was like a flasher forcing us to look at his dick. [...] Actually, it was just like that--NO, it was worse, much worse. Either way he's a pervert." said Gregg Henderson, one of a cadre of shoppers halted by the happening in Hot Topic.

  "Hateful," "Mean," "He's a shameful boy" his Father told us after the incident. His Father is celebrated Marine Sgt. Kurt 'FistBeast' Vaughn. "I didn't raise my boy to be a menace, he used to be a sweetheart. I don't know what happened."

  "Only Muggles hate GWAR" was shouted in unison by an angry mob, according to Vaughn when we interviewed him at the Urgent Care Center on Draxton Parkway.

  "I thought the brooms were a dead giveaway and I assumed people would connect the dots. It's not like I got dressed and noticed it in the mirror and went with it. [...] I had to Google who GWAR was in the first place," the latter of which he squeaked with a smug chess-player-ugly laugh. And that tells us all we need to know about him. There is no way that wasn't intentional.

  The fact that he says the suspiciously specific phrasing "It's not like I got dressed and noticed it in the mirror and went with it" is, as he would say, a dead giveaway. That's our broom, sweeping up that brat's lie.

  This journalist had some sharp wisdom for the plucky pimple:

  Assuming makes an ASS out of  U and ME. Put that on a shirt, Voldemort.

Newborn Causes Internet Frenzy, Father's Hysteria

  Originally posted Sunday, November 11, 2014

 Samuel Vaganza had no idea his newborn daughter's birth would wrought such fevered reactions as those on the day his wife birthed Shannon Vaganza at Juniper Heights Hospital in Coloradoland, Michigan. But damnit if he wasn't inundated by hashtags, tweets and general fervor over her surname.

 Everywhere, he saw #extravanganza as some odd attempt to resurrect a word predominantly used by local used-car dealership proprietors and old women who put waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much emphasis on their grandson's graudation party when all he wants is something small with his friends but no she has to be all smothering and invite people he wasn't even that good of friends with like--

 Mr. Vaganza had this to say on his Facebook account following the phenomenon, missing point entirely that his daughter is a celebration:

 "I don't want my daughter to be a viral sensation or online celebrity, especially when she still hasn't done anything of note or worth. She has already spent nine months being viral inside my wife.No one gave a hoot about my Vines or YouTube videos that I put a lot of time into with my buddy Chad. Not to mention she seems arrogant enough, she doesn't need more ammunition to that poison. Added to that, she is a Vaganza, not an extra Vaganza. She's not another one, she is an addition. An addition is not an extra, it's a part, a piece. I know we're a fertile people and there are a lot of us, but not enough for people to be tired of us yet. I do like the word, though. And I will make sure her first birthday will certainly be a Vaganza Extravaganza Bonanza, Tony Danza!"

 UPDATE: He had these hashtags of his own three weeks after this article was posted and #insisted we post them:

#additionalvaganza 
#baby 
#newborn
#happy 
#father 
#gooddad 
#bestdad
#superiordad
#betterthanmost
#notall
#probablyagoodamount
#dontlookather 
#donttouchher 
#iwillkillyou 
#iamnotkidding 
#staythefuckawayfromhercreep 
#sheisjustababy
#notuntilsheseighteenandoutofmyhouse
#alreadyaheadachevaganza
#earlyresentment
#wantedaboy

Season 1 Of Season 3 Of 'Orange Is The New Black' Expected In 2016

  Jenji Kohan, the creator of Netflix smash hit Orange Is The New Black (or OITNB) and the popular Showtime series Weeds announced today that season 3 of OITNB will premiere in Summer 2015 and will be adapted into a novel. Following this announcement, Netflix renewed OITNB for a fourth season and announced that season 3's book has been picked up for an adaptation and broadcast for its instant-streaming.

  Netflix representative, Reed Hastings, admits it's a bold move:

  "We's Netflix. We's gon' be Netflix forever. We don't play by any rules. You like Do The Right Thing? Fuck you, one day it's gone. Don't think this movie is a comedy or that movie is a drama? Fuck you, fuck genre. We killed Blockbuster! We're unplugging Redbox and making it sing 'daisy'. If we want to fuckin', uh...I don't even know! We are Gods! You understand me!? We. Don't. Play. We have control of you losers. We are your boyfriends/girlfriends who aren't there. We're your parents who are too busy and we're your Friday AND Saturday night that ignores you for hotter people. If we want to make season 3 its own show, well...expect season 1 of season 3 in 2016. I need to calm the fuck down!"

 Jenji Kohan could be reached for comment, but she was busy watching Oldboy before Netflix's planned deletion of their recently allowed titles, so... Jenji Kohan could not be reached, ultimately.

John Carpenter "LOST THEMES" Album Interview - Meltdown pt 2

  Earlier this week we posted part one of our bizarre interview with director/composer John Carpenter. We sat down with the filmmaker to talk about his debut solo album, Lost Themes, due for release early 2015.

 Be warned, however, our interview takes an unorthodox turn as Carpenter not only descends into a mouth of madness, but almost entirely avoids talking about his debut solo album, Lost Themes, due for release early 2015.

 Carpenter's inane, myopic delusions were not coerced, nor expected. What should be expected is his debut solo album, Lost Themes, due for release early 2015.

 Part 1 of our interview can be found here.

Since sundowning is all he's able to do in our interview, we will do all the plugging for him:

The first available track from Lost Themes, titled The Vortex, can be found here. The debut solo album by John Carpenter is expected to be released February 2015 by Sacred Bones.

                                                                                  -

AD: So, how did Rob Bottin burn you?

JC: We were rigging a shot and I--...[lights cigarette, coughs - heavy sigh]

AD: Mr. Carpenter...?

JC: Brimley was the only one believed me. Wilford, I mean. Everyone else was all "it was an accident, John". Even Kurt, which hurt the most. I put everything into Kurt, I gave him a career. But every time I bring up Rob Bottin/You, Kurt acts like I'm some average John Carpenter with a mustache, but I'm Mr. John Mustache--err, John Carpenter... "Can't you just drop it? It was an accident." he'd whine, and he's for serious when he does it. He looks at me like my son when I ask him to put lotion on my feet. Rob Bottin is that disgusting. [...] Brimley talked to me later that night about Rob Bottin sneaking off in the night to the dogs. Keith said it was because he was impartial to them, really liked them. But I wasn't sure. I don't know, I trusted him about a little tiny nipple-bit before the fire incident, but...Brimley tried to warn me.

AD: So it was Wilford Brimley who initiated the mistrust?

JC: Not entirely, I mean, have you seen Rob's cheeks? Of course you have. You have a goddamn mirror, Rob. Brimley didn't initiate it, he nurtured it, coddled it, made it a man. A man of mistrust. Solid.

AD: Why didn't Brimley trust him?

JC: WHO SNEAKS OFF TO SEE A DOG!? YOU JUST SAY, "I'M GOING TO GO SEE THE DOGS". You sneak to fuck! And I don't trust someone who isn't honest about what they fuck. [...] Thank God for Wilford Brimley.

 At this point Carpenter angrily stormed off and made a phonecall. We waited fifteen minutes before we started to get up and leave. He saw us leaving and rushed (hobbled) back inside.

AD: Okay, are you feeling better?

JC: Like an alligator.

AD: Okay?

JC: [mocking] Okaayy.

AD: Lets talk about Lost Themes.What made you get back to composing and are you interested in composing for other directors?

JC: That's a really great question and I'll tell you what: So Bottin was rigging the Hallahan-Thing Head to go up in flames when uhh...Macready shot it with a blast from the flamethrower. I was going over another thing with, I don't know, it was probably David Clennon or Cundey. Bottin shouted "all done!" and was fucking...laughing... He always laughs, but that one...it swam to his surface like vomit would most men.

AD: Well, good to not hear the "he/you" comparison anymore. [laughs]

JC: Nice fake laugh, Rob. Anyway, long story short--

AD: --Christ Almighty.

NOTE: It was in the opinion of this journalist and Below the Fold that the story was about to get much longer.

JC: When we went to pick up the shot, the goddamn thing exploded and singed part of my mustache and I got second-durgee [sic] burns on my arm. No one else was hurt. Bottin was laughing as he rushed in to assess the effects and I swear I'm the only person in the world who could see inside that broken window he called a soul. I've worked on a lot of movies with a butt-load of effects. And not once have we had an incident that...perfect. What's the definition of an incident? A fucking mishap. That wasn't an accident, it was  a plannedent [sic]. Look at Big Trouble In Little China - movie's just brimming to explode with shit - never did anything happen.

AD: Not for nothing, Mr. Carpenter, but--can I call you John?

JC: Call me when you're ready to talk about my debut solo album, Lost Themes. [...] Doesn't feel good to be played with, does it, Rob?

AD: Okay. Uhm, where was I? Uhm...oh, not for nothing, Mr. Carpenter, but...are you sure the stress of having skin-cancer, mixed with the trauma of the fire didn't cause this...delusion? Perhaps Rob really did mean no harm. I remember watching the making-of documentary on the--

JC: --MY BELT LOOKS LIKE A TENTACLE?

AD: Pardon...?

JC: Continue.

AD: On the making-of documentary for The Thing's DVD, Rob was very nice and informative, but most of all: he sang all kinds of praise for you.

JC: Did he say "heh, John's a funny guy, heh"?

AD: I actually think I remember that, yeah.

JC: That's his go-to compliment for me. My go-to is "have you seen his cheeks?!" But I actually mean it. [...] I'll tell you what...Rob was obsessed with me. Thank God for Brimley. Every time I look in the mirror, I see that face...

AD: You see Rob?

JC: Rob? I sure fucking hope not. I see Brimley. And I feel a worthy wave of contentment.

AD: Wilford Brimley really meant a lot to you...

JC: I'm not, I repeat: I AM NOT obsessed with Wilford Brimley and don't you dare fucking point out just how well we look alike, he and I. No matter how uncanny the appearance is. Why do you think Rob Bottin worked on Seven? HE KNEW I'D WATCH IT. HE GAVE ME CANCER.

AD: Okay, we're done.

JC: Lost Themes was a--

AD: No.

JC: Nice seeing you, Cheeks.

Iggy Azalea Actually Marlon Wayans

 While performing at a concert in Wichita, Kansas, this past weekend, rap icon Iggy Azalea caught her audience off-guard when they noticed what could only be described as 'peeling.' Amidst all the commotion in the crowd one fan spotted a large flap of skin hanging from the back of Iggy's neck. "I was so happy that Iggy finally decided to come to Wichita - she really has a fan base here! But when I saw the peeling skin I was disappointed. This is not the Iggy Azalea I grew up listening to."

 Little did this fan know, this was exactly the Iggy Azalea she grew up listening to.

 As the night came to a close and the peeling flesh could no longer be ignored, Azalea revealed herself to actually be forgotten comedian Marlon Wayans. "It's me!" He shouted, to everyone's horrified disgust and confusion.

 "I've never even been to Australia," Wayans told reporters following the unveiling. "I was just doing my best impression of what a white girl sounds and acts like, and it seemed to work." Having acquired many skills in white girl impersonating over the course of his studious career, Wayans described the past four years of his life as "a piece of cake."

 Though the news angered fans, Iggy's detractors now ironically like her. One former denouncer said, "What I used to think was offensive aural blackface was actually the only honest part about her -- er, him."

 One fan, however, was able to predict the shocking revelation, saying, "She started to peel right before our very eyes, and then entire chunks of her body were falling off and no blood? No way, that's got to be Marlon Wayans in there."

 But Iggy's two biggest fans did not see it coming: her parents. "Word got back to us and we were stunned," said Iggy's father, Uggy. "It was tough to accept, but we knew we had to inform the rest of the family." Iggy's mother, Eggy, was especially hurt by the announcement. "What happened to my little girl? My sweet girl! My baby!" She kept shouting.

 Uggy admitted that he and his wife had feared this day. "When she left home for America there was a moment when we looked at each other and thought, 'Marlon Wayans lives there, among other black male comedians,' but we knew that we had to let our little birdy fly away to the big city and make a name for herself."

 The family is holding a memorial service for Iggy on the 10th of December.

Man Finds Quarter in Blister, Seeks Magician for Explanation - Doctors Baffled At First, Now Believe in Magic

  Area man, Thorsten Bunt, was discharged from Emerald Peak Hospital this afternoon. Bunt reportedly had felt density in a blister on his heel, a blister that worsened the day after he hired local magician Robert Willis. "It had become discolored and less mushy," Bunt chuckled.

 He elaborated in very disgusting detail that density in a pus-pocket was not only alarming, but disappointing. "What's better than popping a pus-pocket? Not much. I felt robbed."

  Robbed he wasn't. Turns out what he thought was a personal loss in what is equivalent only to booger-picking, scab-peeling juvenility, was actually a gain of 25 cents. Doctors lanced the blister and removed ol' wooden-teeth himself.

"When I hired that man for my daughter's anniversary, I was excited for some [expletive] tricks. Usually quarters are found behind the ear, usually. I thought he'd dropped it because he didn't pull it back out after he asked 'what's behind your ear!?' and it'd fallen on the grass or something. Never did I expect it inside me." reported Bunt.

 "I'm just glad he left my daughter intact. I'd rather be filled with quarters, rabbits, whatever else than have my daughter's torso not be with her legs or vajayjay [sic]. He got that one right."

 However, Bunt's laments aren't without scorn for the illusory sorcerer:

 "Every time I clear my throat, I'm afraid of coughing up that 3 of clubs he never recovered or...god-forbid, that endless rainbow-ribbon. His tricks are cruel and he needs to work on his technique. I don't want any other families to go through this hardship"
[...]

"My wife has inspected my feces. She's found nothing but every reason to leave me. And yet she stays. That's the real magic, magic you can't buy."

We literally cannot find the magician for a statement.

Impending Speech Exposes Focal Sweat Points On Man's Body

 Whilst preparing for his keynote address, Terry Levesque (pictured right) of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, noticed dark blotches forming beneath his armpits and in betwixt his thick thighs. "This happens every time," Levesque says. "I just get so nervous before going out in front of a large crowd."

 The bodily fluids pouring from the glands in his flesh spread rapidly and as his heart began to accelerate his body temperature rose. "I like to fan myself with the collar of my button-up so as to create a breeze that cools off my chest and back, two places where the sweat usually secretes." And if that wasn't enough, his toes started slipping and sliding inside of his cheap socks and even cheaper Oxfords. "This is when it starts to get really bad." Levesque claims that the feeling of rubbing his sweaty toes together makes him feel 'icky.'

 Hoping to adjust his crotch into a comfortable position before stepping out in front of hundreds of his peers who will be harshly judging his appearance and every movement, Levesque admitted that the "crotch situation" was his 'worst enemy.' "I've never been able to master any technique that allows for proper testicle placement in relation to my penis or that is both comfortable and long-lasting." But even as he waits in the wings, out of sight of the audience, he still has to navigate the wandering eyes of backstage technicians and assistants. "I'm sure they see a lot of nut-grabbing in their line of work, but I still don't feel comfortable doing it in front of them."

 Levesque is not a fan of these events and has never gotten the hang of them in the twelve years or whatever that he has been doing this. "Every time feels like the first time," he says. "Now if only I can feel the same way about my wife."

Study Finds That Channel Surfing With A Bad Attitude Decreases Likelihood Of Finding Something To Watch

 Thanks to a recent study, students from Yale University have been able to confirm something that all television aficionados (people with TVs) have known for far too long: that a person's mood can affect the quality of programming available to them while channel surfing.

 The study consisted of one group of volunteers who were driven in a limousine to the top secret lab where all of these studies take place and another group that was flown to Tucson, Arizona, where they were to catch a greyhound bus all the way back to New Haven, Connecticut.

 Upon arrival, the two groups were ushered into two different viewing areas - the first being luxurious and accommodating while the other didn't even have a working fucking heater. Group one reported finding satisfactory viewing content with ease while group two encountered difficulty in the process. A volunteer from the second group had this to say: "At first I was like, 'There's got to be something on,' and then I was like, 'of course there's nothing on; there's never anything fucking on.'" A volunteer from the first group, however, said that the key is "to channel surf like you would actually surf, not with resting bitch face."

 The study did not confirm whether or not boredom is a factor.

John Carpenter "LOST THEMES" Album Interview - Meltdown pt 1

   Acclaimed Director John Carpenter recently gave us an interview about his time making The Thing (1982). We tried to talk to Carpenter about his upcoming album, Lost Themes and whether or not the director would ever hop back behind the camera but the filmmaker continued to fume over an incident on the set of his remake of the Howard Hawks/Christian Nyby film, The Thing From Another World.

  The incident involved Carpenter and the film's famed make-up effects maestro/wizard Rob Bottin, whose credits include The Thing, Legend and Seven.

JC: The Thing from Another World, or Rob Bottin as some have called him, was a pest. A nuisance to work with. I like peppy, but he was always smiling... It was scary, like the part of the brain that feels shame or regret was gone or was never even there. Even the dogs on set felt more shame than Rob. If he had a tail, it was never between his legs: it would always be wagging.

AD: Did you know he was so zestful when you hired him?

JC: No. I had seen some of this kid's work and decided to hire him. He's a beautiful artist. He was talented, a real marvel with his craft.

AD: Then what happened between you two? Why are you coming forward with this now?

JC: Well, I just saw David Fincher's Gone Girl this past weekend, great film, have you seen it?

AD: Not yet.

JC: Well, for my money, Fincher's best film is Seven. It's one of my favorites of his. So a friend I saw GG with was telling me he liked it more than Seven and while I love GG, I still hold Seven in high regard. But that got me thinking about ol' Rob Bottin again. He had worked on Seven, he did the effects--the amazing effects. Again, Rob Bottin is a talented man.

AD: That he is.

JC: He's really good at being a fucking peeve, too.

AD: Is he?

JC: You didn't have to live in an ice-desert with that man. Have you SEEN him? Have you seen his cheeks?! 

AD: While we know this has more to do with the man's actions than his face, what do his cheeks have to do with anything? And what prompted you to restore the tracks that can be heard on Lost Themes?

JC: I got skin-cancer working on The Thing.

AD: I remember that. It was from the constant sun-exposure.

JC: I was in a ton of pain, man. Everyday. I looked like a goddamn lizard, I shed like a goddamn lizard. Barbeau wouldn't touch me because she got tired of my snow. So while I'm walking around, Mr. Fucking Dandruff, Rob Bottin has these full cheeks. Full, luscious, fleshy, flakeless pornstar-ass cheeks.

AD: Is this going to go beyond his cheeks?

JC: Do you want to talk about my upcoming album, Lost Themes, which comes out February 2015?

AD: I would love to, that's the point of this interview.

JC: Rob Bottin is good at his craft. Too good. You could be him and I wouldn't know. You/he did work on Legend. You/he turned Tim Curry into the devil. Your assistant could be him. Anyone in this room could be Rob Bottin, but I won't let it effect this interview. Go on.

AD: But you are letting it effect this interview.

JC: Damn right it is, sport. And like my skin in Antarctica, make-up peels off. You will eventually, given time, you will eventually 'flake' and reveal who you really are.

AD: Wha--

JC: --We're talking about Rob Bottin first. I need to tell someone about this. He/You nearly burned me alive. That's number one. Number two: you/he gave Hallahan an actual goddamn heart-attack, we had to roll him up in carpet until the medic got there. Number three: Keith David...oh, it smelled so bad, Keith David was stricken with stress-diarrhea.

AD: Well, considering number one and how it is apparently the cause of two and three: when did fire get involved?

JC: Have you even seen The Thing? Flamethrowers aplenty, my friend. And Rob was in charge of effects, as you well remember, Bottin. Rook to Knight six. Your move.

                                                                        part 2 coming soon

10 Things Women Don't Do That Men Find Unattractive

10. Hissing and growling aggressively for no reason
This one pretty much explains itself.

9. Claiming the buckskin as your own
Need we say more?

8. Spots
Why? Just... why? 

7. Lizard teeth
Contrary to popular belief 

6. Conjuring dead spirits the wrong way
How many times do we have to say it?

5. Pissing in the family well
Well...?

4. Stop burning the sheets! 
Stop!

3. Using the company car to go on road trips with your best friend Louise
Yes, we know. We're not that stupid

2. Going alpaca hunting in the Andes without telling us
Seriously?

1. Where are my keys? Oh, there they are -- in your Venetian napsack!
This has gone on long enough

Burial Service Cancels Bill Cosby's Funeral Amid Rape Allegations

 With rape accusations piling up against comedian Bill Cosby all eyes are on the beloved actor and TV dad. This storm of controversy has deterred potential business ventures for Cosby, including his own funeral which he had been planning for over 10 years. "He's been trying to die for a long time," says church Minister Harold Piggins. "But we're not comfortable moving ahead with the planned ceremony."

 The service, which was to be held in Bill's own backyard at some benign hour, would have cost some 100 thousand dollars in undisclosed expenses and a guest list of friends and family members whom he had not yet estranged.

 When asked to comment on the event, Phylicia Rashad admitted that she had been asked to attend and was "initially excited" but, "when I found out that he demanded all guests to call him 'Cliff' on the day of the service I...I just couldn't go through with it."

 Bill's publicist, David Brokaw, feared that one day he may turn on the comedian. "I can feel it coming on. I can see it in my eyes when I look in the mirror. And I know that I don't want him to die. Not yet. He needs to live with what he has done for a little while longer."

 The television and comedy icon himself could not be reached for a comment.

Area Man Shot By Cop For Secretly Shaking Up Friend's Soda

  Eric McGannigan (father of two) was gunned down this afternoon by area Police Officer Samuel Westin outside of the Shell Station off Hwy 85 after planning a shaken-soda prank on his friend. Westin's testimony states he saw McGannigan buy the soda and "shake it with an evil glimmer" which has been put on the city's Prank Ordinance List, as we all know.

  "Pranks have been a problem in the city," Mayor Anthony Carson said in last month's public debate, "we will not tolerate the shenanigans".

  Westin offered in a statement with us,

 "I knew it was a prank. I tolerate none pranks. I would shoot anyone who secretly wants sticky soda to spew all over their friends after rumblin' the fizz - as they call it on the street. At least I call it that. I once took down an 85 year-old perpetrator who got cute with some Peanut Brittle snakes. If you think I'm a monster (like the perp's kid thought when I put his Dad down), I've got some sage advice: I worked in EOD in Iraq. You don't know what it's like. Every jack-in-the-box is an anticipatory fright. Watching a man shake a Fanta and knowing an explosion, so to speak, is coming - I had to stop it. I did stop it. I am an average Joe just doin' my best."

  Officer Westin has been released of all charges and will return to duty.