Area Woman's Weekend-Planning Interrupted By Unexpected Orgasm

   Katelyn Gould, 34, was faced with an impending two days off work - she liked to think of it as two and a half because she was able to stay up as long as she would like on Friday night, even though she never did. To prepare, as usual, she indulged in a routine mental inventory of all her friends' and siblings' plans that she had been keeping track of over the course of that week and those preceding it. She was hoping to organize a social affair for herself and her girlfriends; something different maybe, she thought, unlike the past weekends, which were spent scouring the local dives and hopping from one bar to another and then perhaps one of the party's apartments. It hadn't necessarily been a long week, but work was work and so the banality, alone, had left in want of some well-meaning fun.

   Beginning with Saturday afternoon, she allocated specific hours to specific potential events that she had heard about at work and on Facebook. There were some new movies coming out that she wanted to see, but that felt as though it would be better suited for Saturday night or even the night previous. Typically, she spent her Saturday nights intoxicating herself in some unexciting social setting, and she wondered if there were any such places around town that she had not intoxicated herself in before. But it was then that she began to feel a tingling in her lower extremities; she even experienced shortness of breath. Such phenomena were uncommon and so her confusion was justified. Involuntary grumbles and utterances escaped her mouth as she began to blink rapidly and the tingling sensations intensified and spread.

   In a state of what could only be described as panic she began to grab at and clutch her surroundings while the sweaty heap of flesh mounted atop her continued its redundant motions. The struggle lasted for what they perceived in their illusory fog of sexual oblivion to be hours passing but was actually only a mere few minutes. They then simultaneously clenched their bodies' muscles, succumbed to a heightened state of euphoria, complimented by an intense spasm of sensory tissue in their respective midsections that her male counterpart was more familiar with than she, and abruptly relaxed into an exhausted slump.

OP-ED: Idiot Baby Immune To Mommy's Airplane Spoon

  No matter how much blblblblblbbl she might do with her lips to mimick the language of an airplane propellor or soar her spoon-holding hand across the kitchen, Sarah Brownspot cannot get her 4-month old toddler to eat in a fun and playful way.

  It eats when fed normally. Which is fine, it needs nourishment. But it doesn't eat when she does the airplane.

  Why, I wonder?

  Babies the world over respond to that kind of thing; airplane delivery straight to their toothless gums. But this baby clearly doesn't understand the concept and, frankly, I feel bad for it. Will it ever understand anything?

  It's clearly not blind because I watched it follow some fuzz and then giggle at some stupid shit. It also isn't deaf because I waited for it to fall asleep then shouted "PISSKIDNEY" and it woke up.

  So why is this fucking nuisance with the appeal of a ferret playing dumb? Does it have something against planes? I onvinced the mother to test it. Instead of a plane, try a train. If that doesn't work, then it just likes to eat normally with no silliness and has no automotive bias.

  Low and behold, it ate just fine when a "choo-choo, chuggachuggachugga" came rolling into its mouth station.

  Clearly, planes are not on this baby's agenda. Future terrorist if I ever saw one.