Saturday, June 11, 2016

OP-ED: I Thought Muhammad Ali Was Already Dead (?) But Anyway, R.I.P.

  Cassius Marcellus Clay, Jr., known to hardcore boxing fans as Muhammad Ali, passed away on June 3rd, 2016, due to septic shock whilst battling a respiratory illness for which he had been hospitalized the previous day. He left behind a staggering, intimidating, and glorious legacy and is survived by his wife, Yolanda Williams, among other people who are not dead.

  Now, I don’t know if I’m alone on this, but I was under the impression that this very event had already occurred sometime in our nation’s past and we had grieved and moved on from it; a feeling of déjà vu, as many people say, washed over me on the afternoon of June 5th when I discovered this news – because I don’t keep up-to-date in a vigorous fashion. ‘Huh,’ I thought. But I nevertheless conformed to the collective shock and pain of our country’s many generations that Ali’s legacy has spanned.

  I’m not the biggest boxing fan in the world but I was 87 percent certain that Mr. Ali had perished years prior to June 3rd, 2016. For one reason or another, the date March 12th, 2004, comes to mind. But researching that date left me empty handed. I remain befuddled by this hysteria surrounding the passing of a man who, to me, had already shadowboxed his way through the gates of heaven and into the history books as a mere fading memory for us to idealize, mythologize, and lie about.

  Ever since I was a small child I was under the impression that boxers died young and tragically – usually from boxing-related afflictions like alcoholism and mafia-fixes-gone-awry. But perhaps that rule only applies to the breed of dog. ‘Huh,’ I thought again. But I ignored the thought and instead focused my attention on talking extensively with the millions of other hardcore boxing fans around this great nation – who knew there were so many? – about the formerly living legend that was Muhammad Ali. He was a great man and now he joins Mike Tyson and other sports icons on the fluffy, pillowy cloud furniture of the heavenly fortress in our blue American sky.


Friday, June 10, 2016

A Letter To Heaven - For Nancy Reagan



  My condolences to the Reagan family and to you, Nancy, for you will probably not join Ron in the afterlife...

  It makes sense to me that you want to. You're scheming to somehow make it into Hell, break him out of the chamber he's kept in, which, as you know, is made of some unholy metalloid, then leave without losing your damn mind, soul or blockbuster card LOL (that last part was a joke, unless Heaven has a blockbuster[?]).

  But then you have to weigh your case before a council as to why you think his entry is worthy. But I can tell you there are three solid reasons he won't be allowed in:

6. Ronald
6. Wilson
6. Reagan

  He's, no doubt, in Hell. He was one of the worst human-beings to ever live. So you have a choice, Nance: You sacrifice your own place in Heaven for Ron, or you stay there among the angels and welcome your children the day they arrive.

This is silly, I know. You won't read this whole thing. Or you will, a Reagan never gives up!

OP-ED: Human Privilege And The Bias Against Dog Actors


  Top Left: a rottweiler in Don't Breathe, Top Right: a german shepherd in Desierto, Bottom Center: a pit bull in Green Room

All movies released/being released this year, all movies that feature dogs, of varied breeds, all marginalised as obedient killers.

  We need a movie like a Cujo reboot where an independent killer dog that don't need no man kills indiscriminately, without human commands (albeit due to a bite from a rabid bat)! Thankfully, the wolves in Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping manage to become unleashed and, interestingly enough, kill a man named Seal. That's very interesting.

  I'm sure everyone remembers the original Independence Day and how could we forget the scene in the tunnel where the fireball destroys everything but, AT THE LAST MINUTE, the dog narrowly escapes! He jumps clear out of the way!! Well, Independence Day was directed by Rolland Emmerich, who would go on to direct The Day After Tomorrow and 2012; two movies that also feature dogs narrowly escaping danger. The one movie in Emmerich's Disaster Porn saga to not feature a dog's struggle with fight-or-flight is his 1998 Godzilla remake with Matthew Broderick. What does 'Godzilla' become when you hold it against a mirror?

ALL IZ DOG

  So with a new Independence Day movie imminent, it got me thinking. Other animals get to have their own adventures: just look at the mayhem a cat causes in the new comedy, Keanu. And let's not forget the absurd society of Zootopia and the talking beasts in The Jungle Book who spar over, of all things, a human boy!

  Then we have the shapeshifting raven and Black Philip the goat in The VVitch. Worse yet: the two men posing as animals in Captain America: Civil War, 'Black Panther' and 'Falcon' (neither had me fooled). The most egregious is The Lobster, a movie about how, in the future, man becomes an animal of their choosing if they don't find a mate in 45 days - human privilege if I've ever seen it. Don't even get me started on Tarzan. This is the year that Dogs can change things! Please show this post to any dog you know!!

  The Secret Life Of Pets comes out July 8th, we'll see how problematic that one is.