'A Christmas Story' Marathons On TBS, TNT And In Your Home Against Your Will

 TBS and TNT have towed the line on their traditional marathoning of A Christmas Story, the 1983 classic about a young Aryan soap connoisseur's thirst for killing bandits and the lengths he'll go to to attain the weaponry capable of doing so (shown through fantasy sequences of delusional logic), in sequined cowboy outfits.

  But this year, the networks have partnered with an unknown network/organization(?) to stream A Christmas Story in your home via hologram. Even if you so happen to want to tune in on any other network during Christmas day, it will resume.

  We are being told that the technology works so that no matter what you do, you will see, hear and generally experience the classic film perpetually for 24 hours, beginning at midnight - which serves as no explanation for the technology nor how it works, nor how it's at all legal. "Take a shower, have dinner, make love - you will not escape it. So you might as well have some deviled-eggs and ham to enjoy with it because your eyes will be stuck, stuck, stuuuuuck, STUUUUUCK!" threatens TBS executive Brad Landruss.

  He added, "good thing no commercials!"

 

Our Favorite Movies of 2014

  4. BOYHOOD (dir. Richard Linklater)

Richard Linklater (Dazed and Confused, School of Rock) dazzles yet again with this powerful tale of a young boy who grows into a man over the course of 13 years. The film stars Ellar Coltrane as Mason, the film's centerpiece, Lorelei Linklater, Linklater's daughter, as Mason's older sister, and Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke as Mason's mother and father. With his trademark minimalistic style and ability to create unique, three-dimensional characters, Linklater takes you on a literal coming-of-age journey about family, friendship, and finding your place in the world that could stand easily alongside the greatest American classics that cinema has ever known.

  3. BOYHOOD (dir. Richard Linklater)

Richard Linklater (Before Sunrise, Waking Life) returns with this powerhouse character study to end all character studies starring Ellar Coltrane as Mason, a young boy at the start of the film who, over the course of 13 years in real-time, grows into a young man. Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke star as Mason's mother and father with Lorelei Linklater as Mason's older sister, Samantha. Linklater's layered characters and compelling drama add weight to a story that has a loose sense of direction not unlike the whimsy of life itself. It deals with issues of family, puberty, love, and loss, and everything in between, making it an opus of epic proportions that could dwarf even Christopher Nolan's Interstellar. 

  2. FOXCATCHER (dir. Bennett Miller)

The grim and the macabre are nothing new for director Bennett Miller (Capote, Moneyball). Here, he returns to the gloomy skies and cold temperatures of the true-crime genre which he last explored in 2005's biographical drama, Capote. The film stars funnyman Steve Carell and heartthrob Channing Tatum in not-so-typical roles as multimillionaire philanthropist and wrestling enthusiast John du Pont and Olympic Wrestling champion Mark Schultz, respectively, alongside Mark Ruffalo as Mark's brother, Dave Schultz. Showing once again his ability to capture the darker side of humanity Miller also continues to prove himself an actor's director, producing some of the finest performances we'll ever see out of Carell, Tatum, and Ruffalo. 

  1. BOYHOOD (dir. Richard Lunkhead)

Richard Linklater (Slacker, A Scanner Darkly) barely steals the number one spot from Bennett Miller with his profoundly touching and epic tale of a young boy named Mason, played by Ellar Coltrane, who grows into adulthood and haircuts over the course of more than a decade. The film also stars Ethan Hawke and Patricia Arquette as Mason's parents and Linklater's daughter, Lorelei, as Mason's older sister. Beginning when Mason is 5 years old, the film takes the viewer on a 13-year journey through the lives of not only its characters but its cast as well. 

White Cops Report Feeling Unsafe Around Large Numbers Of People They've Made Feel Unsafe

 "I feel claustrophobic; like there's no way out." Those are the words of veteran beat cop, Stu Thompson. He, among countless other white law enforcement officers, has reported feeling unsafe surrounded by large numbers of locals. "I don't know who I can trust anymore," said another officer, Brett Smith. Reports of this kind have increased in rapid succession since mid-August of 2014 and particularly so in urban areas around the country.

 With the recent spur of rioting and looting in various cities around the U.S., officers like Thompson and Smith have been pulled away from their families and home lives to answer the call of the sacred patch. "Protect and serve, that's what we're here to do," said Officer Smith. "But sometimes I worry that maybe I won't make it out of these wild nights in one piece."

 Having had to resort to military-grade weaponry to deal with the overwhelming opposition, local officials and SWAT officers alike have shared in the fear of defeat. "This isn't just some unarmed teenager we're talking about or a 20-something with a fake sword; no, those types of situations are easily remedied with handheld firearms," said SWAT commander, Arnold Carlyle. "What we've got now requires tanks, tear gas, you name it."

 Frightening to say the least, but citizens have still come forward to show their support. Supporters have opened charities for officers who have found themselves inadvertently caught in the spotlight of this chaos. One officer, Phillip Reilly, is proud that people have stood up for him and his fellow 'boys-in-blue.' "It gives me hope that there are people out there who are still on our side in these hard times. But hey, at least we can get some over-time in [laugh]." Well, it gives us hope that Officer Reilly is able to see the silver lining.