'A Christmas Story' Marathons On TBS, TNT And In Your Home Against Your Will

 TBS and TNT have towed the line on their traditional marathoning of A Christmas Story, the 1983 classic about a young Aryan soap connoisseur's thirst for killing bandits and the lengths he'll go to to attain the weaponry capable of doing so (shown through fantasy sequences of delusional logic), in sequined cowboy outfits.

  But this year, the networks have partnered with an unknown network/organization(?) to stream A Christmas Story in your home via hologram. Even if you so happen to want to tune in on any other network during Christmas day, it will resume.

  We are being told that the technology works so that no matter what you do, you will see, hear and generally experience the classic film perpetually for 24 hours, beginning at midnight - which serves as no explanation for the technology nor how it works, nor how it's at all legal. "Take a shower, have dinner, make love - you will not escape it. So you might as well have some deviled-eggs and ham to enjoy with it because your eyes will be stuck, stuck, stuuuuuck, STUUUUUCK!" threatens TBS executive Brad Landruss.

  He added, "good thing no commercials!"