Aliens Question Whether Or Not Humans Realize 'New Year' Actually Meaningless

  2015 has arrived and with it comes the prevailing hopes for improvement upon the previous year's shortcomings and disappointments. People across the globe gathered in their respective communities to celebrate the proverbial turn-of-the-page and lit the sky with fireworks at midnight of the new year.

  An elite member of the advanced extraterrestrial species parked within Earth's orbit spoke to reporters earlier today regarding the 'New Years' celebrations. The 12-foot-tall reptilian creature was unsure of exactly what logic lies in celebrating the renewal of an annual cycle based on arbitrary measurements of time, saying, "Our universe and the dimensions therein which bind us cannot and will not abide by the laws that humans have imposed upon themselves and it is foolish to think otherwise."

  The entities, whose race has paid visits to Earth several times over the past million-odd years, note the immeasurable insignificance of the human experience on a cosmic scale. They have concluded that 'New Years' celebrations are among the many useless contributions human beings have made and that they are beginning to grow impatient. "Every millennium we decide to return and observe what progress has been made here and, despite certain noteworthy technological and social advancements that punctuate the history of the species, the stubborn and undue conservation of traditional practices and obsolete sociopolitical constructs will be the ultimate downfall of the human race. The end is truly nigh for you all."

  Janet Peterson, 32, from Manhattan, however, is looking forward to a fresh start in 2015, saying, "I just got a new treadmill and so I'm hoping to finally shed a few extra pounds [laugh]."