Search For Sock Takes Up Whole Saturday

 

Scott Barn had plans for last night's big WingFestiValooza at McBrogan's Irish Pub, but he missed it on account of his missing left sock.

  "Well my whole Saturday was eaten up looking for that damn thing." Barn told us through his bathroom door.

  "Was it worth it? Well is anything worth anything? I mean...I have the right one. So the other one is near. I know it. If I didn't have either I would just wear another pair because they're missing together. But one has to be close to the other. My search radius is pretty limited. And I've been looking on and off since about 8:00 am"

Meaning he searched in just one spot for a good 17 hours.

"Yeah, pretty much spent my Saturday. Never wanna do it again. I will keep all socks taped together so if a pair goes missing, a pair goes missing. Enough. I blame my Dad. My name is Scott Andrea Barn, so...think about that shit. Gives me some girly middle name and makes me feel inadequate. Right?"

No comment. We are reporters, not therapists. "What's your name? Huh? Did your Daddy leave you but take your brother? I mean, why split up a pair? And his name is Henry Randall Barn. That's a beefy name like Chunky's Beef Stew with the football players, ya know? I bet he hasn't wasted a single Saturday and gets to eat any kind of soup he wants! I'm not chunky. In fact, I have a reputation of being the exact opposite of chunky. Whatever."

Mr. Barn never found his xxl sock and made sure we reported it was xxl,

  "Like the Magic Mike sequel. Lots of chunk," he just wore another pair and has plans for next Saturday.

North Korea to Remake Seinfeld

   

  North Korea has been prolific for its hubble-blumbers and its skimpy-skamps. We're all acutely aware.

  But what we weren't aware of until our Foreign Correspondent Shelly Dent reported to us recently from inside North Korea is that Kim Jong-Un has filmed four episodes of a North Korean Seinfeld. The Leader has no new scripts apparently, he just has actors reenact four episodes (at random or his favorites?) for broadcast.

  The only change to the characters is "No Newman" and the "Soup Nazi" has been changed to "Soup Capitalist American Pig".

 The live audience of about 200 is held at carefully watchful gunpoint. Shelly Dent witnessed that every joke, said by actors stilted from fear (which is no excuse), has the audience laugh in unison with one big "HA". If anyone laughs out of sequence, they are given a warning shot. If they continue to laugh, their entire bloodline is massacred.

"No laugh track to be used on my show, I want real authentic emotion. I want people to hear North Korea having a good time" the Leader said of his show's dastardly approach.

Netflix to pick up the series' revival in 2016