Area Woman's Weekend-Planning Interrupted By Unexpected Orgasm

   Katelyn Gould, 34, was faced with an impending two days off work - she liked to think of it as two and a half because she was able to stay up as long as she would like on Friday night, even though she never did. To prepare, as usual, she indulged in a routine mental inventory of all her friends' and siblings' plans that she had been keeping track of over the course of that week and those preceding it. She was hoping to organize a social affair for herself and her girlfriends; something different maybe, she thought, unlike the past weekends, which were spent scouring the local dives and hopping from one bar to another and then perhaps one of the party's apartments. It hadn't necessarily been a long week, but work was work and so the banality, alone, had left in want of some well-meaning fun.

   Beginning with Saturday afternoon, she allocated specific hours to specific potential events that she had heard about at work and on Facebook. There were some new movies coming out that she wanted to see, but that felt as though it would be better suited for Saturday night or even the night previous. Typically, she spent her Saturday nights intoxicating herself in some unexciting social setting, and she wondered if there were any such places around town that she had not intoxicated herself in before. But it was then that she began to feel a tingling in her lower extremities; she even experienced shortness of breath. Such phenomena were uncommon and so her confusion was justified. Involuntary grumbles and utterances escaped her mouth as she began to blink rapidly and the tingling sensations intensified and spread.

   In a state of what could only be described as panic she began to grab at and clutch her surroundings while the sweaty heap of flesh mounted atop her continued its redundant motions. The struggle lasted for what they perceived in their illusory fog of sexual oblivion to be hours passing but was actually only a mere few minutes. They then simultaneously clenched their bodies' muscles, succumbed to a heightened state of euphoria, complimented by an intense spasm of sensory tissue in their respective midsections that her male counterpart was more familiar with than she, and abruptly relaxed into an exhausted slump.

OP-ED: Idiot Baby Immune To Mommy's Airplane Spoon

  No matter how much blblblblblbbl she might do with her lips to mimick the language of an airplane propellor or soar her spoon-holding hand across the kitchen, Sarah Brownspot cannot get her 4-month old toddler to eat in a fun and playful way.

  It eats when fed normally. Which is fine, it needs nourishment. But it doesn't eat when she does the airplane.

  Why, I wonder?

  Babies the world over respond to that kind of thing; airplane delivery straight to their toothless gums. But this baby clearly doesn't understand the concept and, frankly, I feel bad for it. Will it ever understand anything?

  It's clearly not blind because I watched it follow some fuzz and then giggle at some stupid shit. It also isn't deaf because I waited for it to fall asleep then shouted "PISSKIDNEY" and it woke up.

  So why is this fucking nuisance with the appeal of a ferret playing dumb? Does it have something against planes? I onvinced the mother to test it. Instead of a plane, try a train. If that doesn't work, then it just likes to eat normally with no silliness and has no automotive bias.

  Low and behold, it ate just fine when a "choo-choo, chuggachuggachugga" came rolling into its mouth station.

  Clearly, planes are not on this baby's agenda. Future terrorist if I ever saw one.

Search For Sock Takes Up Whole Saturday

 

Scott Barn had plans for last night's big WingFestiValooza at McBrogan's Irish Pub, but he missed it on account of his missing left sock.

  "Well my whole Saturday was eaten up looking for that damn thing." Barn told us through his bathroom door.

  "Was it worth it? Well is anything worth anything? I mean...I have the right one. So the other one is near. I know it. If I didn't have either I would just wear another pair because they're missing together. But one has to be close to the other. My search radius is pretty limited. And I've been looking on and off since about 8:00 am"

Meaning he searched in just one spot for a good 17 hours.

"Yeah, pretty much spent my Saturday. Never wanna do it again. I will keep all socks taped together so if a pair goes missing, a pair goes missing. Enough. I blame my Dad. My name is Scott Andrea Barn, so...think about that shit. Gives me some girly middle name and makes me feel inadequate. Right?"

No comment. We are reporters, not therapists. "What's your name? Huh? Did your Daddy leave you but take your brother? I mean, why split up a pair? And his name is Henry Randall Barn. That's a beefy name like Chunky's Beef Stew with the football players, ya know? I bet he hasn't wasted a single Saturday and gets to eat any kind of soup he wants! I'm not chunky. In fact, I have a reputation of being the exact opposite of chunky. Whatever."

Mr. Barn never found his xxl sock and made sure we reported it was xxl,

  "Like the Magic Mike sequel. Lots of chunk," he just wore another pair and has plans for next Saturday.

North Korea to Remake Seinfeld

   

  North Korea has been prolific for its hubble-blumbers and its skimpy-skamps. We're all acutely aware.

  But what we weren't aware of until our Foreign Correspondent Shelly Dent reported to us recently from inside North Korea is that Kim Jong-Un has filmed four episodes of a North Korean Seinfeld. The Leader has no new scripts apparently, he just has actors reenact four episodes (at random or his favorites?) for broadcast.

  The only change to the characters is "No Newman" and the "Soup Nazi" has been changed to "Soup Capitalist American Pig".

 The live audience of about 200 is held at carefully watchful gunpoint. Shelly Dent witnessed that every joke, said by actors stilted from fear (which is no excuse), has the audience laugh in unison with one big "HA". If anyone laughs out of sequence, they are given a warning shot. If they continue to laugh, their entire bloodline is massacred.

"No laugh track to be used on my show, I want real authentic emotion. I want people to hear North Korea having a good time" the Leader said of his show's dastardly approach.

Netflix to pick up the series' revival in 2016

Aliens Question Whether Or Not Humans Realize 'New Year' Actually Meaningless

  2015 has arrived and with it comes the prevailing hopes for improvement upon the previous year's shortcomings and disappointments. People across the globe gathered in their respective communities to celebrate the proverbial turn-of-the-page and lit the sky with fireworks at midnight of the new year.

  An elite member of the advanced extraterrestrial species parked within Earth's orbit spoke to reporters earlier today regarding the 'New Years' celebrations. The 12-foot-tall reptilian creature was unsure of exactly what logic lies in celebrating the renewal of an annual cycle based on arbitrary measurements of time, saying, "Our universe and the dimensions therein which bind us cannot and will not abide by the laws that humans have imposed upon themselves and it is foolish to think otherwise."

  The entities, whose race has paid visits to Earth several times over the past million-odd years, note the immeasurable insignificance of the human experience on a cosmic scale. They have concluded that 'New Years' celebrations are among the many useless contributions human beings have made and that they are beginning to grow impatient. "Every millennium we decide to return and observe what progress has been made here and, despite certain noteworthy technological and social advancements that punctuate the history of the species, the stubborn and undue conservation of traditional practices and obsolete sociopolitical constructs will be the ultimate downfall of the human race. The end is truly nigh for you all."

  Janet Peterson, 32, from Manhattan, however, is looking forward to a fresh start in 2015, saying, "I just got a new treadmill and so I'm hoping to finally shed a few extra pounds [laugh]."

'A Christmas Story' Marathons On TBS, TNT And In Your Home Against Your Will

 TBS and TNT have towed the line on their traditional marathoning of A Christmas Story, the 1983 classic about a young Aryan soap connoisseur's thirst for killing bandits and the lengths he'll go to to attain the weaponry capable of doing so (shown through fantasy sequences of delusional logic), in sequined cowboy outfits.

  But this year, the networks have partnered with an unknown network/organization(?) to stream A Christmas Story in your home via hologram. Even if you so happen to want to tune in on any other network during Christmas day, it will resume.

  We are being told that the technology works so that no matter what you do, you will see, hear and generally experience the classic film perpetually for 24 hours, beginning at midnight - which serves as no explanation for the technology nor how it works, nor how it's at all legal. "Take a shower, have dinner, make love - you will not escape it. So you might as well have some deviled-eggs and ham to enjoy with it because your eyes will be stuck, stuck, stuuuuuck, STUUUUUCK!" threatens TBS executive Brad Landruss.

  He added, "good thing no commercials!"

 

Our Favorite Movies of 2014

  4. BOYHOOD (dir. Richard Linklater)

Richard Linklater (Dazed and Confused, School of Rock) dazzles yet again with this powerful tale of a young boy who grows into a man over the course of 13 years. The film stars Ellar Coltrane as Mason, the film's centerpiece, Lorelei Linklater, Linklater's daughter, as Mason's older sister, and Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke as Mason's mother and father. With his trademark minimalistic style and ability to create unique, three-dimensional characters, Linklater takes you on a literal coming-of-age journey about family, friendship, and finding your place in the world that could stand easily alongside the greatest American classics that cinema has ever known.

  3. BOYHOOD (dir. Richard Linklater)

Richard Linklater (Before Sunrise, Waking Life) returns with this powerhouse character study to end all character studies starring Ellar Coltrane as Mason, a young boy at the start of the film who, over the course of 13 years in real-time, grows into a young man. Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke star as Mason's mother and father with Lorelei Linklater as Mason's older sister, Samantha. Linklater's layered characters and compelling drama add weight to a story that has a loose sense of direction not unlike the whimsy of life itself. It deals with issues of family, puberty, love, and loss, and everything in between, making it an opus of epic proportions that could dwarf even Christopher Nolan's Interstellar. 

  2. FOXCATCHER (dir. Bennett Miller)

The grim and the macabre are nothing new for director Bennett Miller (Capote, Moneyball). Here, he returns to the gloomy skies and cold temperatures of the true-crime genre which he last explored in 2005's biographical drama, Capote. The film stars funnyman Steve Carell and heartthrob Channing Tatum in not-so-typical roles as multimillionaire philanthropist and wrestling enthusiast John du Pont and Olympic Wrestling champion Mark Schultz, respectively, alongside Mark Ruffalo as Mark's brother, Dave Schultz. Showing once again his ability to capture the darker side of humanity Miller also continues to prove himself an actor's director, producing some of the finest performances we'll ever see out of Carell, Tatum, and Ruffalo. 

  1. BOYHOOD (dir. Richard Lunkhead)

Richard Linklater (Slacker, A Scanner Darkly) barely steals the number one spot from Bennett Miller with his profoundly touching and epic tale of a young boy named Mason, played by Ellar Coltrane, who grows into adulthood and haircuts over the course of more than a decade. The film also stars Ethan Hawke and Patricia Arquette as Mason's parents and Linklater's daughter, Lorelei, as Mason's older sister. Beginning when Mason is 5 years old, the film takes the viewer on a 13-year journey through the lives of not only its characters but its cast as well.