Search For Sock Takes Up Whole Saturday

 

Scott Barn had plans for last night's big WingFestiValooza at McBrogan's Irish Pub, but he missed it on account of his missing left sock.

  "Well my whole Saturday was eaten up looking for that damn thing." Barn told us through his bathroom door.

  "Was it worth it? Well is anything worth anything? I mean...I have the right one. So the other one is near. I know it. If I didn't have either I would just wear another pair because they're missing together. But one has to be close to the other. My search radius is pretty limited. And I've been looking on and off since about 8:00 am"

Meaning he searched in just one spot for a good 17 hours.

"Yeah, pretty much spent my Saturday. Never wanna do it again. I will keep all socks taped together so if a pair goes missing, a pair goes missing. Enough. I blame my Dad. My name is Scott Andrea Barn, so...think about that shit. Gives me some girly middle name and makes me feel inadequate. Right?"

No comment. We are reporters, not therapists. "What's your name? Huh? Did your Daddy leave you but take your brother? I mean, why split up a pair? And his name is Henry Randall Barn. That's a beefy name like Chunky's Beef Stew with the football players, ya know? I bet he hasn't wasted a single Saturday and gets to eat any kind of soup he wants! I'm not chunky. In fact, I have a reputation of being the exact opposite of chunky. Whatever."

Mr. Barn never found his xxl sock and made sure we reported it was xxl,

  "Like the Magic Mike sequel. Lots of chunk," he just wore another pair and has plans for next Saturday.

North Korea to Remake Seinfeld

   

  North Korea has been prolific for its hubble-blumbers and its skimpy-skamps. We're all acutely aware.

  But what we weren't aware of until our Foreign Correspondent Shelly Dent reported to us recently from inside North Korea is that Kim Jong-Un has filmed four episodes of a North Korean Seinfeld. The Leader has no new scripts apparently, he just has actors reenact four episodes (at random or his favorites?) for broadcast.

  The only change to the characters is "No Newman" and the "Soup Nazi" has been changed to "Soup Capitalist American Pig".

 The live audience of about 200 is held at carefully watchful gunpoint. Shelly Dent witnessed that every joke, said by actors stilted from fear (which is no excuse), has the audience laugh in unison with one big "HA". If anyone laughs out of sequence, they are given a warning shot. If they continue to laugh, their entire bloodline is massacred.

"No laugh track to be used on my show, I want real authentic emotion. I want people to hear North Korea having a good time" the Leader said of his show's dastardly approach.

Netflix to pick up the series' revival in 2016

Aliens Question Whether Or Not Humans Realize 'New Year' Actually Meaningless

  2015 has arrived and with it comes the prevailing hopes for improvement upon the previous year's shortcomings and disappointments. People across the globe gathered in their respective communities to celebrate the proverbial turn-of-the-page and lit the sky with fireworks at midnight of the new year.

  An elite member of the advanced extraterrestrial species parked within Earth's orbit spoke to reporters earlier today regarding the 'New Years' celebrations. The 12-foot-tall reptilian creature was unsure of exactly what logic lies in celebrating the renewal of an annual cycle based on arbitrary measurements of time, saying, "Our universe and the dimensions therein which bind us cannot and will not abide by the laws that humans have imposed upon themselves and it is foolish to think otherwise."

  The entities, whose race has paid visits to Earth several times over the past million-odd years, note the immeasurable insignificance of the human experience on a cosmic scale. They have concluded that 'New Years' celebrations are among the many useless contributions human beings have made and that they are beginning to grow impatient. "Every millennium we decide to return and observe what progress has been made here and, despite certain noteworthy technological and social advancements that punctuate the history of the species, the stubborn and undue conservation of traditional practices and obsolete sociopolitical constructs will be the ultimate downfall of the human race. The end is truly nigh for you all."

  Janet Peterson, 32, from Manhattan, however, is looking forward to a fresh start in 2015, saying, "I just got a new treadmill and so I'm hoping to finally shed a few extra pounds [laugh]."

'A Christmas Story' Marathons On TBS, TNT And In Your Home Against Your Will

 TBS and TNT have towed the line on their traditional marathoning of A Christmas Story, the 1983 classic about a young Aryan soap connoisseur's thirst for killing bandits and the lengths he'll go to to attain the weaponry capable of doing so (shown through fantasy sequences of delusional logic), in sequined cowboy outfits.

  But this year, the networks have partnered with an unknown network/organization(?) to stream A Christmas Story in your home via hologram. Even if you so happen to want to tune in on any other network during Christmas day, it will resume.

  We are being told that the technology works so that no matter what you do, you will see, hear and generally experience the classic film perpetually for 24 hours, beginning at midnight - which serves as no explanation for the technology nor how it works, nor how it's at all legal. "Take a shower, have dinner, make love - you will not escape it. So you might as well have some deviled-eggs and ham to enjoy with it because your eyes will be stuck, stuck, stuuuuuck, STUUUUUCK!" threatens TBS executive Brad Landruss.

  He added, "good thing no commercials!"

 

Our Favorite Movies of 2014

  4. BOYHOOD (dir. Richard Linklater)

Richard Linklater (Dazed and Confused, School of Rock) dazzles yet again with this powerful tale of a young boy who grows into a man over the course of 13 years. The film stars Ellar Coltrane as Mason, the film's centerpiece, Lorelei Linklater, Linklater's daughter, as Mason's older sister, and Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke as Mason's mother and father. With his trademark minimalistic style and ability to create unique, three-dimensional characters, Linklater takes you on a literal coming-of-age journey about family, friendship, and finding your place in the world that could stand easily alongside the greatest American classics that cinema has ever known.

  3. BOYHOOD (dir. Richard Linklater)

Richard Linklater (Before Sunrise, Waking Life) returns with this powerhouse character study to end all character studies starring Ellar Coltrane as Mason, a young boy at the start of the film who, over the course of 13 years in real-time, grows into a young man. Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke star as Mason's mother and father with Lorelei Linklater as Mason's older sister, Samantha. Linklater's layered characters and compelling drama add weight to a story that has a loose sense of direction not unlike the whimsy of life itself. It deals with issues of family, puberty, love, and loss, and everything in between, making it an opus of epic proportions that could dwarf even Christopher Nolan's Interstellar. 

  2. FOXCATCHER (dir. Bennett Miller)

The grim and the macabre are nothing new for director Bennett Miller (Capote, Moneyball). Here, he returns to the gloomy skies and cold temperatures of the true-crime genre which he last explored in 2005's biographical drama, Capote. The film stars funnyman Steve Carell and heartthrob Channing Tatum in not-so-typical roles as multimillionaire philanthropist and wrestling enthusiast John du Pont and Olympic Wrestling champion Mark Schultz, respectively, alongside Mark Ruffalo as Mark's brother, Dave Schultz. Showing once again his ability to capture the darker side of humanity Miller also continues to prove himself an actor's director, producing some of the finest performances we'll ever see out of Carell, Tatum, and Ruffalo. 

  1. BOYHOOD (dir. Richard Lunkhead)

Richard Linklater (Slacker, A Scanner Darkly) barely steals the number one spot from Bennett Miller with his profoundly touching and epic tale of a young boy named Mason, played by Ellar Coltrane, who grows into adulthood and haircuts over the course of more than a decade. The film also stars Ethan Hawke and Patricia Arquette as Mason's parents and Linklater's daughter, Lorelei, as Mason's older sister. Beginning when Mason is 5 years old, the film takes the viewer on a 13-year journey through the lives of not only its characters but its cast as well. 

White Cops Report Feeling Unsafe Around Large Numbers Of People They've Made Feel Unsafe

 "I feel claustrophobic; like there's no way out." Those are the words of veteran beat cop, Stu Thompson. He, among countless other white law enforcement officers, has reported feeling unsafe surrounded by large numbers of locals. "I don't know who I can trust anymore," said another officer, Brett Smith. Reports of this kind have increased in rapid succession since mid-August of 2014 and particularly so in urban areas around the country.

 With the recent spur of rioting and looting in various cities around the U.S., officers like Thompson and Smith have been pulled away from their families and home lives to answer the call of the sacred patch. "Protect and serve, that's what we're here to do," said Officer Smith. "But sometimes I worry that maybe I won't make it out of these wild nights in one piece."

 Having had to resort to military-grade weaponry to deal with the overwhelming opposition, local officials and SWAT officers alike have shared in the fear of defeat. "This isn't just some unarmed teenager we're talking about or a 20-something with a fake sword; no, those types of situations are easily remedied with handheld firearms," said SWAT commander, Arnold Carlyle. "What we've got now requires tanks, tear gas, you name it."

 Frightening to say the least, but citizens have still come forward to show their support. Supporters have opened charities for officers who have found themselves inadvertently caught in the spotlight of this chaos. One officer, Phillip Reilly, is proud that people have stood up for him and his fellow 'boys-in-blue.' "It gives me hope that there are people out there who are still on our side in these hard times. But hey, at least we can get some over-time in [laugh]." Well, it gives us hope that Officer Reilly is able to see the silver lining.

Harry Potter Fan Mistaken for GWAR Fan - Angers Mallgoers

  Whilst strolling the Sandre LaCruz Mall, aloof(?) Harry Potter fan Kenneth Vaughn angered fellow shoppers during Black Friday. Unbeknownst(?) to him, his 'Hogwarts' sweater resembled the letters '|GWAR|' under his fleece overshirt.

   His choice of dated young adult fiction outer-wear was misinterpreted(?) as a clever, maliciously aligned diss against the death of GWAR frontman, Dave Brockie, who passed away earlier this year, as well as a diss to any fans of GWAR and its good standing. But is there more to this story?

   It all started, according to Hot Topic employee Amy Yung, when she rang up Vaughn's Adventure Time beanie at 50% off. "GWAR, fuck yeah, man!" she purred as she went in for a sweet high-five. But the high-five wasn't reciprocated in a way that was acceptable like applying your hand to the other hand with equal vigor. Instead, his response was a "nasally and fucking gross" dribble as he opened his overshirt for revelation, "actually it says Hogwarts" much to Yung and everyone else's disdain and utter shock.

  On the mall's security-camera, Vaughn was spotted getting a pretzel, then an Orange Julius (and not even finishing it) and then shopping only at Hot Topic for a beanie. Other outlets have studied the footage and we're all in agreement that this is a shady situation on what was a seemingly dulcet Black Friday.

An artist's rendering of how he was able to cleverly conceal the letters

  "It was like a flasher forcing us to look at his dick. [...] Actually, it was just like that--NO, it was worse, much worse. Either way he's a pervert." said Gregg Henderson, one of a cadre of shoppers halted by the happening in Hot Topic.

  "Hateful," "Mean," "He's a shameful boy" his Father told us after the incident. His Father is celebrated Marine Sgt. Kurt 'FistBeast' Vaughn. "I didn't raise my boy to be a menace, he used to be a sweetheart. I don't know what happened."

  "Only Muggles hate GWAR" was shouted in unison by an angry mob, according to Vaughn when we interviewed him at the Urgent Care Center on Draxton Parkway.

  "I thought the brooms were a dead giveaway and I assumed people would connect the dots. It's not like I got dressed and noticed it in the mirror and went with it. [...] I had to Google who GWAR was in the first place," the latter of which he squeaked with a smug chess-player-ugly laugh. And that tells us all we need to know about him. There is no way that wasn't intentional.

  The fact that he says the suspiciously specific phrasing "It's not like I got dressed and noticed it in the mirror and went with it" is, as he would say, a dead giveaway. That's our broom, sweeping up that brat's lie.

  This journalist had some sharp wisdom for the plucky pimple:

  Assuming makes an ASS out of  U and ME. Put that on a shirt, Voldemort.