OP-ED: I Thought Muhammad Ali Was Already Dead (?) But Anyway, R.I.P.

  Cassius Marcellus Clay, Jr., known to hardcore boxing fans as Muhammad Ali, passed away on June 3rd, 2016, due to septic shock whilst battling a respiratory illness for which he had been hospitalized the previous day. He left behind a staggering, intimidating, and glorious legacy and is survived by his wife, Yolanda Williams, among other people who are not dead.

  Now, I don’t know if I’m alone on this, but I was under the impression that this very event had already occurred sometime in our nation’s past and we had grieved and moved on from it; a feeling of déjà vu, as many people say, washed over me on the afternoon of June 5th when I discovered this news – because I don’t keep up-to-date in a vigorous fashion. ‘Huh,’ I thought. But I nevertheless conformed to the collective shock and pain of our country’s many generations that Ali’s legacy has spanned.

  I’m not the biggest boxing fan in the world but I was 87 percent certain that Mr. Ali had perished years prior to June 3rd, 2016. For one reason or another, the date March 12th, 2004, comes to mind. But researching that date left me empty handed. I remain befuddled by this hysteria surrounding the passing of a man who, to me, had already shadowboxed his way through the gates of heaven and into the history books as a mere fading memory for us to idealize, mythologize, and lie about.

  Ever since I was a small child I was under the impression that boxers died young and tragically – usually from boxing-related afflictions like alcoholism and mafia-fixes-gone-awry. But perhaps that rule only applies to the breed of dog. ‘Huh,’ I thought again. But I ignored the thought and instead focused my attention on talking extensively with the millions of other hardcore boxing fans around this great nation – who knew there were so many? – about the formerly living legend that was Muhammad Ali. He was a great man and now he joins Mike Tyson and other sports icons on the fluffy, pillowy cloud furniture of the heavenly fortress in our blue American sky.

A Letter To Heaven - For Nancy Reagan

  My condolences to the Reagan family and to you, Nancy, for you will probably not join Ron in the afterlife...

  It makes sense to me that you want to. You're scheming to somehow make it into Hell, break him out of the chamber he's kept in, which, as you know, is made of some unholy metalloid, then leave without losing your damn mind, soul or blockbuster card LOL (that last part was a joke, unless Heaven has a blockbuster[?]).

  But then you have to weigh your case before a council as to why you think his entry is worthy. But I can tell you there are three solid reasons he won't be allowed in:

6. Ronald
6. Wilson
6. Reagan

  He's, no doubt, in Hell. He was one of the worst human-beings to ever live. So you have a choice, Nance: You sacrifice your own place in Heaven for Ron, or you stay there among the angels and welcome your children the day they arrive.

This is silly, I know. You won't read this whole thing. Or you will, a Reagan never gives up!

OP-ED: Human Privilege And The Bias Against Dog Actors

  Top Left: a rottweiler in Don't Breathe, Top Right: a german shepherd in Desierto, Bottom Center: a pit bull in Green Room

All movies released/being released this year, all movies that feature dogs, of varied breeds, all marginalised as obedient killers.

  We need a movie like a Cujo reboot where an independent killer dog that don't need no man kills indiscriminately, without human commands (albeit due to a bite from a rabid bat)! Thankfully, the wolves in Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping manage to become unleashed and, interestingly enough, kill a man named Seal. That's very interesting.

  I'm sure everyone remembers the original Independence Day and how could we forget the scene in the tunnel where the fireball destroys everything but, AT THE LAST MINUTE, the dog narrowly escapes! He jumps clear out of the way!! Well, Independence Day was directed by Rolland Emmerich, who would go on to direct The Day After Tomorrow and 2012; two movies that also feature dogs narrowly escaping danger. The one movie in Emmerich's Disaster Porn saga to not feature a dog's struggle with fight-or-flight is his 1998 Godzilla remake with Matthew Broderick. What does 'Godzilla' become when you hold it against a mirror?

ALL IZ DOG

  So with a new Independence Day movie imminent, it got me thinking. Other animals get to have their own adventures: just look at the mayhem a cat causes in the new comedy, Keanu. And let's not forget the absurd society of Zootopia and the talking beasts in The Jungle Book who spar over, of all things, a human boy!

  Then we have the shapeshifting raven and Black Philip the goat in The VVitch. Worse yet: the two men posing as animals in Captain America: Civil War, 'Black Panther' and 'Falcon' (neither had me fooled). The most egregious is The Lobster, a movie about how, in the future, man becomes an animal of their choosing if they don't find a mate in 45 days - human privilege if I've ever seen it. Don't even get me started on Tarzan. This is the year that Dogs can change things! Please show this post to any dog you know!!

  The Secret Life Of Pets comes out July 8th, we'll see how problematic that one is.

Area Woman's Weekend-Planning Interrupted By Unexpected Orgasm

   Katelyn Gould, 34, was faced with an impending two days off work - she liked to think of it as two and a half because she was able to stay up as long as she would like on Friday night, even though she never did. To prepare, as usual, she indulged in a routine mental inventory of all her friends' and siblings' plans that she had been keeping track of over the course of that week and those preceding it. She was hoping to organize a social affair for herself and her girlfriends; something different maybe, she thought, unlike the past weekends, which were spent scouring the local dives and hopping from one bar to another and then perhaps one of the party's apartments. It hadn't necessarily been a long week, but work was work and so the banality, alone, had left in want of some well-meaning fun.

   Beginning with Saturday afternoon, she allocated specific hours to specific potential events that she had heard about at work and on Facebook. There were some new movies coming out that she wanted to see, but that felt as though it would be better suited for Saturday night or even the night previous. Typically, she spent her Saturday nights intoxicating herself in some unexciting social setting, and she wondered if there were any such places around town that she had not intoxicated herself in before. But it was then that she began to feel a tingling in her lower extremities; she even experienced shortness of breath. Such phenomena were uncommon and so her confusion was justified. Involuntary grumbles and utterances escaped her mouth as she began to blink rapidly and the tingling sensations intensified and spread.

   In a state of what could only be described as panic she began to grab at and clutch her surroundings while the sweaty heap of flesh mounted atop her continued its redundant motions. The struggle lasted for what they perceived in their illusory fog of sexual oblivion to be hours passing but was actually only a mere few minutes. They then simultaneously clenched their bodies' muscles, succumbed to a heightened state of euphoria, complimented by an intense spasm of sensory tissue in their respective midsections that her male counterpart was more familiar with than she, and abruptly relaxed into an exhausted slump.

OP-ED: Idiot Baby Immune To Mommy's Airplane Spoon

  No matter how much blblblblblbbl she might do with her lips to mimick the language of an airplane propellor or soar her spoon-holding hand across the kitchen, Sarah Brownspot cannot get her 4-month old toddler to eat in a fun and playful way.

  It eats when fed normally. Which is fine, it needs nourishment. But it doesn't eat when she does the airplane.

  Why, I wonder?

  Babies the world over respond to that kind of thing; airplane delivery straight to their toothless gums. But this baby clearly doesn't understand the concept and, frankly, I feel bad for it. Will it ever understand anything?

  It's clearly not blind because I watched it follow some fuzz and then giggle at some stupid shit. It also isn't deaf because I waited for it to fall asleep then shouted "PISSKIDNEY" and it woke up.

  So why is this fucking nuisance with the appeal of a ferret playing dumb? Does it have something against planes? I onvinced the mother to test it. Instead of a plane, try a train. If that doesn't work, then it just likes to eat normally with no silliness and has no automotive bias.

  Low and behold, it ate just fine when a "choo-choo, chuggachuggachugga" came rolling into its mouth station.

  Clearly, planes are not on this baby's agenda. Future terrorist if I ever saw one.

Search For Sock Takes Up Whole Saturday

 

Scott Barn had plans for last night's big WingFestiValooza at McBrogan's Irish Pub, but he missed it on account of his missing left sock.

  "Well my whole Saturday was eaten up looking for that damn thing." Barn told us through his bathroom door.

  "Was it worth it? Well is anything worth anything? I mean...I have the right one. So the other one is near. I know it. If I didn't have either I would just wear another pair because they're missing together. But one has to be close to the other. My search radius is pretty limited. And I've been looking on and off since about 8:00 am"

Meaning he searched in just one spot for a good 17 hours.

"Yeah, pretty much spent my Saturday. Never wanna do it again. I will keep all socks taped together so if a pair goes missing, a pair goes missing. Enough. I blame my Dad. My name is Scott Andrea Barn, so...think about that shit. Gives me some girly middle name and makes me feel inadequate. Right?"

No comment. We are reporters, not therapists. "What's your name? Huh? Did your Daddy leave you but take your brother? I mean, why split up a pair? And his name is Henry Randall Barn. That's a beefy name like Chunky's Beef Stew with the football players, ya know? I bet he hasn't wasted a single Saturday and gets to eat any kind of soup he wants! I'm not chunky. In fact, I have a reputation of being the exact opposite of chunky. Whatever."

Mr. Barn never found his xxl sock and made sure we reported it was xxl,

  "Like the Magic Mike sequel. Lots of chunk," he just wore another pair and has plans for next Saturday.

North Korea to Remake Seinfeld

   

  North Korea has been prolific for its hubble-blumbers and its skimpy-skamps. We're all acutely aware.

  But what we weren't aware of until our Foreign Correspondent Shelly Dent reported to us recently from inside North Korea is that Kim Jong-Un has filmed four episodes of a North Korean Seinfeld. The Leader has no new scripts apparently, he just has actors reenact four episodes (at random or his favorites?) for broadcast.

  The only change to the characters is "No Newman" and the "Soup Nazi" has been changed to "Soup Capitalist American Pig".

 The live audience of about 200 is held at carefully watchful gunpoint. Shelly Dent witnessed that every joke, said by actors stilted from fear (which is no excuse), has the audience laugh in unison with one big "HA". If anyone laughs out of sequence, they are given a warning shot. If they continue to laugh, their entire bloodline is massacred.

"No laugh track to be used on my show, I want real authentic emotion. I want people to hear North Korea having a good time" the Leader said of his show's dastardly approach.

Netflix to pick up the series' revival in 2016

Aliens Question Whether Or Not Humans Realize 'New Year' Actually Meaningless

  2015 has arrived and with it comes the prevailing hopes for improvement upon the previous year's shortcomings and disappointments. People across the globe gathered in their respective communities to celebrate the proverbial turn-of-the-page and lit the sky with fireworks at midnight of the new year.

  An elite member of the advanced extraterrestrial species parked within Earth's orbit spoke to reporters earlier today regarding the 'New Years' celebrations. The 12-foot-tall reptilian creature was unsure of exactly what logic lies in celebrating the renewal of an annual cycle based on arbitrary measurements of time, saying, "Our universe and the dimensions therein which bind us cannot and will not abide by the laws that humans have imposed upon themselves and it is foolish to think otherwise."

  The entities, whose race has paid visits to Earth several times over the past million-odd years, note the immeasurable insignificance of the human experience on a cosmic scale. They have concluded that 'New Years' celebrations are among the many useless contributions human beings have made and that they are beginning to grow impatient. "Every millennium we decide to return and observe what progress has been made here and, despite certain noteworthy technological and social advancements that punctuate the history of the species, the stubborn and undue conservation of traditional practices and obsolete sociopolitical constructs will be the ultimate downfall of the human race. The end is truly nigh for you all."

  Janet Peterson, 32, from Manhattan, however, is looking forward to a fresh start in 2015, saying, "I just got a new treadmill and so I'm hoping to finally shed a few extra pounds [laugh]."

'A Christmas Story' Marathons On TBS, TNT And In Your Home Against Your Will

 TBS and TNT have towed the line on their traditional marathoning of A Christmas Story, the 1983 classic about a young Aryan soap connoisseur's thirst for killing bandits and the lengths he'll go to to attain the weaponry capable of doing so (shown through fantasy sequences of delusional logic), in sequined cowboy outfits.

  But this year, the networks have partnered with an unknown network/organization(?) to stream A Christmas Story in your home via hologram. Even if you so happen to want to tune in on any other network during Christmas day, it will resume.

  We are being told that the technology works so that no matter what you do, you will see, hear and generally experience the classic film perpetually for 24 hours, beginning at midnight - which serves as no explanation for the technology nor how it works, nor how it's at all legal. "Take a shower, have dinner, make love - you will not escape it. So you might as well have some deviled-eggs and ham to enjoy with it because your eyes will be stuck, stuck, stuuuuuck, STUUUUUCK!" threatens TBS executive Brad Landruss.

  He added, "good thing no commercials!"

 

Our Favorite Movies of 2014

  4. BOYHOOD (dir. Richard Linklater)

Richard Linklater (Dazed and Confused, School of Rock) dazzles yet again with this powerful tale of a young boy who grows into a man over the course of 13 years. The film stars Ellar Coltrane as Mason, the film's centerpiece, Lorelei Linklater, Linklater's daughter, as Mason's older sister, and Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke as Mason's mother and father. With his trademark minimalistic style and ability to create unique, three-dimensional characters, Linklater takes you on a literal coming-of-age journey about family, friendship, and finding your place in the world that could stand easily alongside the greatest American classics that cinema has ever known.

  3. BOYHOOD (dir. Richard Linklater)

Richard Linklater (Before Sunrise, Waking Life) returns with this powerhouse character study to end all character studies starring Ellar Coltrane as Mason, a young boy at the start of the film who, over the course of 13 years in real-time, grows into a young man. Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke star as Mason's mother and father with Lorelei Linklater as Mason's older sister, Samantha. Linklater's layered characters and compelling drama add weight to a story that has a loose sense of direction not unlike the whimsy of life itself. It deals with issues of family, puberty, love, and loss, and everything in between, making it an opus of epic proportions that could dwarf even Christopher Nolan's Interstellar. 

  2. FOXCATCHER (dir. Bennett Miller)

The grim and the macabre are nothing new for director Bennett Miller (Capote, Moneyball). Here, he returns to the gloomy skies and cold temperatures of the true-crime genre which he last explored in 2005's biographical drama, Capote. The film stars funnyman Steve Carell and heartthrob Channing Tatum in not-so-typical roles as multimillionaire philanthropist and wrestling enthusiast John du Pont and Olympic Wrestling champion Mark Schultz, respectively, alongside Mark Ruffalo as Mark's brother, Dave Schultz. Showing once again his ability to capture the darker side of humanity Miller also continues to prove himself an actor's director, producing some of the finest performances we'll ever see out of Carell, Tatum, and Ruffalo. 

  1. BOYHOOD (dir. Richard Lunkhead)

Richard Linklater (Slacker, A Scanner Darkly) barely steals the number one spot from Bennett Miller with his profoundly touching and epic tale of a young boy named Mason, played by Ellar Coltrane, who grows into adulthood and haircuts over the course of more than a decade. The film also stars Ethan Hawke and Patricia Arquette as Mason's parents and Linklater's daughter, Lorelei, as Mason's older sister. Beginning when Mason is 5 years old, the film takes the viewer on a 13-year journey through the lives of not only its characters but its cast as well. 

White Cops Report Feeling Unsafe Around Large Numbers Of People They've Made Feel Unsafe

 "I feel claustrophobic; like there's no way out." Those are the words of veteran beat cop, Stu Thompson. He, among countless other white law enforcement officers, has reported feeling unsafe surrounded by large numbers of locals. "I don't know who I can trust anymore," said another officer, Brett Smith. Reports of this kind have increased in rapid succession since mid-August of 2014 and particularly so in urban areas around the country.

 With the recent spur of rioting and looting in various cities around the U.S., officers like Thompson and Smith have been pulled away from their families and home lives to answer the call of the sacred patch. "Protect and serve, that's what we're here to do," said Officer Smith. "But sometimes I worry that maybe I won't make it out of these wild nights in one piece."

 Having had to resort to military-grade weaponry to deal with the overwhelming opposition, local officials and SWAT officers alike have shared in the fear of defeat. "This isn't just some unarmed teenager we're talking about or a 20-something with a fake sword; no, those types of situations are easily remedied with handheld firearms," said SWAT commander, Arnold Carlyle. "What we've got now requires tanks, tear gas, you name it."

 Frightening to say the least, but citizens have still come forward to show their support. Supporters have opened charities for officers who have found themselves inadvertently caught in the spotlight of this chaos. One officer, Phillip Reilly, is proud that people have stood up for him and his fellow 'boys-in-blue.' "It gives me hope that there are people out there who are still on our side in these hard times. But hey, at least we can get some over-time in [laugh]." Well, it gives us hope that Officer Reilly is able to see the silver lining.

Harry Potter Fan Mistaken for GWAR Fan - Angers Mallgoers

  Whilst strolling the Sandre LaCruz Mall, aloof(?) Harry Potter fan Kenneth Vaughn angered fellow shoppers during Black Friday. Unbeknownst(?) to him, his 'Hogwarts' sweater resembled the letters '|GWAR|' under his fleece overshirt.

   His choice of dated young adult fiction outer-wear was misinterpreted(?) as a clever, maliciously aligned diss against the death of GWAR frontman, Dave Brockie, who passed away earlier this year, as well as a diss to any fans of GWAR and its good standing. But is there more to this story?

   It all started, according to Hot Topic employee Amy Yung, when she rang up Vaughn's Adventure Time beanie at 50% off. "GWAR, fuck yeah, man!" she purred as she went in for a sweet high-five. But the high-five wasn't reciprocated in a way that was acceptable like applying your hand to the other hand with equal vigor. Instead, his response was a "nasally and fucking gross" dribble as he opened his overshirt for revelation, "actually it says Hogwarts" much to Yung and everyone else's disdain and utter shock.

  On the mall's security-camera, Vaughn was spotted getting a pretzel, then an Orange Julius (and not even finishing it) and then shopping only at Hot Topic for a beanie. Other outlets have studied the footage and we're all in agreement that this is a shady situation on what was a seemingly dulcet Black Friday.

An artist's rendering of how he was able to cleverly conceal the letters

  "It was like a flasher forcing us to look at his dick. [...] Actually, it was just like that--NO, it was worse, much worse. Either way he's a pervert." said Gregg Henderson, one of a cadre of shoppers halted by the happening in Hot Topic.

  "Hateful," "Mean," "He's a shameful boy" his Father told us after the incident. His Father is celebrated Marine Sgt. Kurt 'FistBeast' Vaughn. "I didn't raise my boy to be a menace, he used to be a sweetheart. I don't know what happened."

  "Only Muggles hate GWAR" was shouted in unison by an angry mob, according to Vaughn when we interviewed him at the Urgent Care Center on Draxton Parkway.

  "I thought the brooms were a dead giveaway and I assumed people would connect the dots. It's not like I got dressed and noticed it in the mirror and went with it. [...] I had to Google who GWAR was in the first place," the latter of which he squeaked with a smug chess-player-ugly laugh. And that tells us all we need to know about him. There is no way that wasn't intentional.

  The fact that he says the suspiciously specific phrasing "It's not like I got dressed and noticed it in the mirror and went with it" is, as he would say, a dead giveaway. That's our broom, sweeping up that brat's lie.

  This journalist had some sharp wisdom for the plucky pimple:

  Assuming makes an ASS out of  U and ME. Put that on a shirt, Voldemort.

Newborn Causes Internet Frenzy, Father's Hysteria

  Originally posted Sunday, November 11, 2014

 Samuel Vaganza had no idea his newborn daughter's birth would wrought such fevered reactions as those on the day his wife birthed Shannon Vaganza at Juniper Heights Hospital in Coloradoland, Michigan. But damnit if he wasn't inundated by hashtags, tweets and general fervor over her surname.

 Everywhere, he saw #extravanganza as some odd attempt to resurrect a word predominantly used by local used-car dealership proprietors and old women who put waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much emphasis on their grandson's graudation party when all he wants is something small with his friends but no she has to be all smothering and invite people he wasn't even that good of friends with like--

 Mr. Vaganza had this to say on his Facebook account following the phenomenon, missing point entirely that his daughter is a celebration:

 "I don't want my daughter to be a viral sensation or online celebrity, especially when she still hasn't done anything of note or worth. She has already spent nine months being viral inside my wife.No one gave a hoot about my Vines or YouTube videos that I put a lot of time into with my buddy Chad. Not to mention she seems arrogant enough, she doesn't need more ammunition to that poison. Added to that, she is a Vaganza, not an extra Vaganza. She's not another one, she is an addition. An addition is not an extra, it's a part, a piece. I know we're a fertile people and there are a lot of us, but not enough for people to be tired of us yet. I do like the word, though. And I will make sure her first birthday will certainly be a Vaganza Extravaganza Bonanza, Tony Danza!"

 UPDATE: He had these hashtags of his own three weeks after this article was posted and #insisted we post them:

#additionalvaganza 
#baby 
#newborn
#happy 
#father 
#gooddad 
#bestdad
#superiordad
#betterthanmost
#notall
#probablyagoodamount
#dontlookather 
#donttouchher 
#iwillkillyou 
#iamnotkidding 
#staythefuckawayfromhercreep 
#sheisjustababy
#notuntilsheseighteenandoutofmyhouse
#alreadyaheadachevaganza
#earlyresentment
#wantedaboy

Season 1 Of Season 3 Of 'Orange Is The New Black' Expected In 2016

  Jenji Kohan, the creator of Netflix smash hit Orange Is The New Black (or OITNB) and the popular Showtime series Weeds announced today that season 3 of OITNB will premiere in Summer 2015 and will be adapted into a novel. Following this announcement, Netflix renewed OITNB for a fourth season and announced that season 3's book has been picked up for an adaptation and broadcast for its instant-streaming.

  Netflix representative, Reed Hastings, admits it's a bold move:

  "We's Netflix. We's gon' be Netflix forever. We don't play by any rules. You like Do The Right Thing? Fuck you, one day it's gone. Don't think this movie is a comedy or that movie is a drama? Fuck you, fuck genre. We killed Blockbuster! We're unplugging Redbox and making it sing 'daisy'. If we want to fuckin', uh...I don't even know! We are Gods! You understand me!? We. Don't. Play. We have control of you losers. We are your boyfriends/girlfriends who aren't there. We're your parents who are too busy and we're your Friday AND Saturday night that ignores you for hotter people. If we want to make season 3 its own show, well...expect season 1 of season 3 in 2016. I need to calm the fuck down!"

 Jenji Kohan could be reached for comment, but she was busy watching Oldboy before Netflix's planned deletion of their recently allowed titles, so... Jenji Kohan could not be reached, ultimately.

John Carpenter "LOST THEMES" Album Interview - Meltdown pt 2

  Earlier this week we posted part one of our bizarre interview with director/composer John Carpenter. We sat down with the filmmaker to talk about his debut solo album, Lost Themes, due for release early 2015.

 Be warned, however, our interview takes an unorthodox turn as Carpenter not only descends into a mouth of madness, but almost entirely avoids talking about his debut solo album, Lost Themes, due for release early 2015.

 Carpenter's inane, myopic delusions were not coerced, nor expected. What should be expected is his debut solo album, Lost Themes, due for release early 2015.

 Part 1 of our interview can be found here.

Since sundowning is all he's able to do in our interview, we will do all the plugging for him:

The first available track from Lost Themes, titled The Vortex, can be found here. The debut solo album by John Carpenter is expected to be released February 2015 by Sacred Bones.

                                                                                  -

AD: So, how did Rob Bottin burn you?

JC: We were rigging a shot and I--...[lights cigarette, coughs - heavy sigh]

AD: Mr. Carpenter...?

JC: Brimley was the only one believed me. Wilford, I mean. Everyone else was all "it was an accident, John". Even Kurt, which hurt the most. I put everything into Kurt, I gave him a career. But every time I bring up Rob Bottin/You, Kurt acts like I'm some average John Carpenter with a mustache, but I'm Mr. John Mustache--err, John Carpenter... "Can't you just drop it? It was an accident." he'd whine, and he's for serious when he does it. He looks at me like my son when I ask him to put lotion on my feet. Rob Bottin is that disgusting. [...] Brimley talked to me later that night about Rob Bottin sneaking off in the night to the dogs. Keith said it was because he was impartial to them, really liked them. But I wasn't sure. I don't know, I trusted him about a little tiny nipple-bit before the fire incident, but...Brimley tried to warn me.

AD: So it was Wilford Brimley who initiated the mistrust?

JC: Not entirely, I mean, have you seen Rob's cheeks? Of course you have. You have a goddamn mirror, Rob. Brimley didn't initiate it, he nurtured it, coddled it, made it a man. A man of mistrust. Solid.

AD: Why didn't Brimley trust him?

JC: WHO SNEAKS OFF TO SEE A DOG!? YOU JUST SAY, "I'M GOING TO GO SEE THE DOGS". You sneak to fuck! And I don't trust someone who isn't honest about what they fuck. [...] Thank God for Wilford Brimley.

 At this point Carpenter angrily stormed off and made a phonecall. We waited fifteen minutes before we started to get up and leave. He saw us leaving and rushed (hobbled) back inside.

AD: Okay, are you feeling better?

JC: Like an alligator.

AD: Okay?

JC: [mocking] Okaayy.

AD: Lets talk about Lost Themes.What made you get back to composing and are you interested in composing for other directors?

JC: That's a really great question and I'll tell you what: So Bottin was rigging the Hallahan-Thing Head to go up in flames when uhh...Macready shot it with a blast from the flamethrower. I was going over another thing with, I don't know, it was probably David Clennon or Cundey. Bottin shouted "all done!" and was fucking...laughing... He always laughs, but that one...it swam to his surface like vomit would most men.

AD: Well, good to not hear the "he/you" comparison anymore. [laughs]

JC: Nice fake laugh, Rob. Anyway, long story short--

AD: --Christ Almighty.

NOTE: It was in the opinion of this journalist and Below the Fold that the story was about to get much longer.

JC: When we went to pick up the shot, the goddamn thing exploded and singed part of my mustache and I got second-durgee [sic] burns on my arm. No one else was hurt. Bottin was laughing as he rushed in to assess the effects and I swear I'm the only person in the world who could see inside that broken window he called a soul. I've worked on a lot of movies with a butt-load of effects. And not once have we had an incident that...perfect. What's the definition of an incident? A fucking mishap. That wasn't an accident, it was  a plannedent [sic]. Look at Big Trouble In Little China - movie's just brimming to explode with shit - never did anything happen.

AD: Not for nothing, Mr. Carpenter, but--can I call you John?

JC: Call me when you're ready to talk about my debut solo album, Lost Themes. [...] Doesn't feel good to be played with, does it, Rob?

AD: Okay. Uhm, where was I? Uhm...oh, not for nothing, Mr. Carpenter, but...are you sure the stress of having skin-cancer, mixed with the trauma of the fire didn't cause this...delusion? Perhaps Rob really did mean no harm. I remember watching the making-of documentary on the--

JC: --MY BELT LOOKS LIKE A TENTACLE?

AD: Pardon...?

JC: Continue.

AD: On the making-of documentary for The Thing's DVD, Rob was very nice and informative, but most of all: he sang all kinds of praise for you.

JC: Did he say "heh, John's a funny guy, heh"?

AD: I actually think I remember that, yeah.

JC: That's his go-to compliment for me. My go-to is "have you seen his cheeks?!" But I actually mean it. [...] I'll tell you what...Rob was obsessed with me. Thank God for Brimley. Every time I look in the mirror, I see that face...

AD: You see Rob?

JC: Rob? I sure fucking hope not. I see Brimley. And I feel a worthy wave of contentment.

AD: Wilford Brimley really meant a lot to you...

JC: I'm not, I repeat: I AM NOT obsessed with Wilford Brimley and don't you dare fucking point out just how well we look alike, he and I. No matter how uncanny the appearance is. Why do you think Rob Bottin worked on Seven? HE KNEW I'D WATCH IT. HE GAVE ME CANCER.

AD: Okay, we're done.

JC: Lost Themes was a--

AD: No.

JC: Nice seeing you, Cheeks.

Iggy Azalea Actually Marlon Wayans

 While performing at a concert in Wichita, Kansas, this past weekend, rap icon Iggy Azalea caught her audience off-guard when they noticed what could only be described as 'peeling.' Amidst all the commotion in the crowd one fan spotted a large flap of skin hanging from the back of Iggy's neck. "I was so happy that Iggy finally decided to come to Wichita - she really has a fan base here! But when I saw the peeling skin I was disappointed. This is not the Iggy Azalea I grew up listening to."

 Little did this fan know, this was exactly the Iggy Azalea she grew up listening to.

 As the night came to a close and the peeling flesh could no longer be ignored, Azalea revealed herself to actually be forgotten comedian Marlon Wayans. "It's me!" He shouted, to everyone's horrified disgust and confusion.

 "I've never even been to Australia," Wayans told reporters following the unveiling. "I was just doing my best impression of what a white girl sounds and acts like, and it seemed to work." Having acquired many skills in white girl impersonating over the course of his studious career, Wayans described the past four years of his life as "a piece of cake."

 Though the news angered fans, Iggy's detractors now ironically like her. One former denouncer said, "What I used to think was offensive aural blackface was actually the only honest part about her -- er, him."

 One fan, however, was able to predict the shocking revelation, saying, "She started to peel right before our very eyes, and then entire chunks of her body were falling off and no blood? No way, that's got to be Marlon Wayans in there."

 But Iggy's two biggest fans did not see it coming: her parents. "Word got back to us and we were stunned," said Iggy's father, Uggy. "It was tough to accept, but we knew we had to inform the rest of the family." Iggy's mother, Eggy, was especially hurt by the announcement. "What happened to my little girl? My sweet girl! My baby!" She kept shouting.

 Uggy admitted that he and his wife had feared this day. "When she left home for America there was a moment when we looked at each other and thought, 'Marlon Wayans lives there, among other black male comedians,' but we knew that we had to let our little birdy fly away to the big city and make a name for herself."

 The family is holding a memorial service for Iggy on the 10th of December.

Man Finds Quarter in Blister, Seeks Magician for Explanation - Doctors Baffled At First, Now Believe in Magic

  Area man, Thorsten Bunt, was discharged from Emerald Peak Hospital this afternoon. Bunt reportedly had felt density in a blister on his heel, a blister that worsened the day after he hired local magician Robert Willis. "It had become discolored and less mushy," Bunt chuckled.

 He elaborated in very disgusting detail that density in a pus-pocket was not only alarming, but disappointing. "What's better than popping a pus-pocket? Not much. I felt robbed."

  Robbed he wasn't. Turns out what he thought was a personal loss in what is equivalent only to booger-picking, scab-peeling juvenility, was actually a gain of 25 cents. Doctors lanced the blister and removed ol' wooden-teeth himself.

"When I hired that man for my daughter's anniversary, I was excited for some [expletive] tricks. Usually quarters are found behind the ear, usually. I thought he'd dropped it because he didn't pull it back out after he asked 'what's behind your ear!?' and it'd fallen on the grass or something. Never did I expect it inside me." reported Bunt.

 "I'm just glad he left my daughter intact. I'd rather be filled with quarters, rabbits, whatever else than have my daughter's torso not be with her legs or vajayjay [sic]. He got that one right."

 However, Bunt's laments aren't without scorn for the illusory sorcerer:

 "Every time I clear my throat, I'm afraid of coughing up that 3 of clubs he never recovered or...god-forbid, that endless rainbow-ribbon. His tricks are cruel and he needs to work on his technique. I don't want any other families to go through this hardship"
[...]

"My wife has inspected my feces. She's found nothing but every reason to leave me. And yet she stays. That's the real magic, magic you can't buy."

We literally cannot find the magician for a statement.

Impending Speech Exposes Focal Sweat Points On Man's Body

 Whilst preparing for his keynote address, Terry Levesque (pictured right) of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, noticed dark blotches forming beneath his armpits and in betwixt his thick thighs. "This happens every time," Levesque says. "I just get so nervous before going out in front of a large crowd."

 The bodily fluids pouring from the glands in his flesh spread rapidly and as his heart began to accelerate his body temperature rose. "I like to fan myself with the collar of my button-up so as to create a breeze that cools off my chest and back, two places where the sweat usually secretes." And if that wasn't enough, his toes started slipping and sliding inside of his cheap socks and even cheaper Oxfords. "This is when it starts to get really bad." Levesque claims that the feeling of rubbing his sweaty toes together makes him feel 'icky.'

 Hoping to adjust his crotch into a comfortable position before stepping out in front of hundreds of his peers who will be harshly judging his appearance and every movement, Levesque admitted that the "crotch situation" was his 'worst enemy.' "I've never been able to master any technique that allows for proper testicle placement in relation to my penis or that is both comfortable and long-lasting." But even as he waits in the wings, out of sight of the audience, he still has to navigate the wandering eyes of backstage technicians and assistants. "I'm sure they see a lot of nut-grabbing in their line of work, but I still don't feel comfortable doing it in front of them."

 Levesque is not a fan of these events and has never gotten the hang of them in the twelve years or whatever that he has been doing this. "Every time feels like the first time," he says. "Now if only I can feel the same way about my wife."

Study Finds That Channel Surfing With A Bad Attitude Decreases Likelihood Of Finding Something To Watch

 Thanks to a recent study, students from Yale University have been able to confirm something that all television aficionados (people with TVs) have known for far too long: that a person's mood can affect the quality of programming available to them while channel surfing.

 The study consisted of one group of volunteers who were driven in a limousine to the top secret lab where all of these studies take place and another group that was flown to Tucson, Arizona, where they were to catch a greyhound bus all the way back to New Haven, Connecticut.

 Upon arrival, the two groups were ushered into two different viewing areas - the first being luxurious and accommodating while the other didn't even have a working fucking heater. Group one reported finding satisfactory viewing content with ease while group two encountered difficulty in the process. A volunteer from the second group had this to say: "At first I was like, 'There's got to be something on,' and then I was like, 'of course there's nothing on; there's never anything fucking on.'" A volunteer from the first group, however, said that the key is "to channel surf like you would actually surf, not with resting bitch face."

 The study did not confirm whether or not boredom is a factor.

John Carpenter "LOST THEMES" Album Interview - Meltdown pt 1

   Acclaimed Director John Carpenter recently gave us an interview about his time making The Thing (1982). We tried to talk to Carpenter about his upcoming album, Lost Themes and whether or not the director would ever hop back behind the camera but the filmmaker continued to fume over an incident on the set of his remake of the Howard Hawks/Christian Nyby film, The Thing From Another World.

  The incident involved Carpenter and the film's famed make-up effects maestro/wizard Rob Bottin, whose credits include The Thing, Legend and Seven.

JC: The Thing from Another World, or Rob Bottin as some have called him, was a pest. A nuisance to work with. I like peppy, but he was always smiling... It was scary, like the part of the brain that feels shame or regret was gone or was never even there. Even the dogs on set felt more shame than Rob. If he had a tail, it was never between his legs: it would always be wagging.

AD: Did you know he was so zestful when you hired him?

JC: No. I had seen some of this kid's work and decided to hire him. He's a beautiful artist. He was talented, a real marvel with his craft.

AD: Then what happened between you two? Why are you coming forward with this now?

JC: Well, I just saw David Fincher's Gone Girl this past weekend, great film, have you seen it?

AD: Not yet.

JC: Well, for my money, Fincher's best film is Seven. It's one of my favorites of his. So a friend I saw GG with was telling me he liked it more than Seven and while I love GG, I still hold Seven in high regard. But that got me thinking about ol' Rob Bottin again. He had worked on Seven, he did the effects--the amazing effects. Again, Rob Bottin is a talented man.

AD: That he is.

JC: He's really good at being a fucking peeve, too.

AD: Is he?

JC: You didn't have to live in an ice-desert with that man. Have you SEEN him? Have you seen his cheeks?! 

AD: While we know this has more to do with the man's actions than his face, what do his cheeks have to do with anything? And what prompted you to restore the tracks that can be heard on Lost Themes?

JC: I got skin-cancer working on The Thing.

AD: I remember that. It was from the constant sun-exposure.

JC: I was in a ton of pain, man. Everyday. I looked like a goddamn lizard, I shed like a goddamn lizard. Barbeau wouldn't touch me because she got tired of my snow. So while I'm walking around, Mr. Fucking Dandruff, Rob Bottin has these full cheeks. Full, luscious, fleshy, flakeless pornstar-ass cheeks.

AD: Is this going to go beyond his cheeks?

JC: Do you want to talk about my upcoming album, Lost Themes, which comes out February 2015?

AD: I would love to, that's the point of this interview.

JC: Rob Bottin is good at his craft. Too good. You could be him and I wouldn't know. You/he did work on Legend. You/he turned Tim Curry into the devil. Your assistant could be him. Anyone in this room could be Rob Bottin, but I won't let it effect this interview. Go on.

AD: But you are letting it effect this interview.

JC: Damn right it is, sport. And like my skin in Antarctica, make-up peels off. You will eventually, given time, you will eventually 'flake' and reveal who you really are.

AD: Wha--

JC: --We're talking about Rob Bottin first. I need to tell someone about this. He/You nearly burned me alive. That's number one. Number two: you/he gave Hallahan an actual goddamn heart-attack, we had to roll him up in carpet until the medic got there. Number three: Keith David...oh, it smelled so bad, Keith David was stricken with stress-diarrhea.

AD: Well, considering number one and how it is apparently the cause of two and three: when did fire get involved?

JC: Have you even seen The Thing? Flamethrowers aplenty, my friend. And Rob was in charge of effects, as you well remember, Bottin. Rook to Knight six. Your move.

                                                                        part 2 coming soon